Sold all my books for front row tickets to dave matthews band...

Although merely a song lyric, it's a brilliant idea. I'm more into Jack than Dave anyway.

Soo I havn't blogged in awhile. My pressing social life has imposed on the time I usually spend writing it all down. Since I've made the discovery that doing your laundry is remarkably boring, I'm back- so be excited.
So heres an update...
God love me, I decided to go to a Christian school.
Lordy. That was an interesting decision on my part... and heres why.
"The Liberty Way"
Featuring...the dress code (!!), curfew (!!!), and the heterosexually impartial theories of Jerry Falwell. Who I get the pleasure of hearing every wednesday morning at 10 am.
Home of the 3 second hug rule. (You cannot hug someone of the opposite sex for more than 3 seconds.)
The campus is not...terrible. It's not Harvard, but they do have a building named after the guy who wrote the Left Behind books, and another one that looks vaguely like that place in DC with the disturbingly enormous statue of Abe Lincoln.

You may be asking yourself, "Does Jessica really enjoy being one of Jerry's kids?"
Well my curious friend, the jury is still out on that one. As wierd and perverted as it may seem, yes I seem to be enjoying life in my 2 story trailer park.

"The imagination is one of the chief glories of being human. When it is healthy & energetic, it ushers us into adoration & wonder, into the mysteries of God. When it is neurotic & sluggish, it turns people, millions of them into parasites, copy-cats and couch potatoes."
--Eugene Peterson

Toast

My family has strange tendencies, I wont say that my mother is a neat freak, but she does have her moments. The thing that shes the most adamant about is food being wrapped, closed and twisty-tied properly before its put into the refrigerator. Somehow toast does not apply. Its not uncommon for unwanted pieces of toast to be sitting in the toaster for over 24 hours. This baffles me to no end. Toast is such a disregarded food. Bread is the foundation to our entire food pyramid, yet in my family it is abandoned to fend for itself in a benign toaster. We are turning into a family of psudeo Aztecs, letting our food dangle in an appliance wondering if the lever will be pushed down and it will be sacrificed to the toaster gods. I suppose what I’m implying here is that bread has feelings too, I’m not entirely sure how I strayed so far from what I was originally trying to say which was that my family is strange. I guess through the winded path of this paragraph, I’ve only illustrated that I myself am weird.And for that I do not apologize.

Dineriffic

Congratulate me, I've started my 12th job.
I'm thinking of printing myself a certificate of some sort,
The "I've Had A Job For Every Month" ...Award.

I'm hoping this new job at the diner will stick. When Hollywood makes my life into a movie they'll play the "Working Girl" theme song you'll see me walk into the diner, put on my apron. Then shots of mexicans, toothless 50 year old waitresses and coleslaw. Me taking orders and messing them up, getting $2 tips and standing in front of the computer pressing every button til I get to the right one. Then after a few more shots of me arguing with mexicans, towards the end of the song you see me getting $6 tips, balancing 16 plates on my arms and then finally we switch to Mary Tyler Moore and I'll be throwing my hat in the air...
Your gonna make it afterall!

There are some characters employed at this place let me tell you...
One girl, Teresa shes one of the few people whose around the same age as I am. However, she's taken to calling me 'peanut.'
I can't say I get the whole peanut thing. I dont look like I peanut, I don't eat lots of peanuts, so why am I being referred to as a peanut?
Teresa: I've been waitressin' for 6 years now.
Me: mmhmm.
Teresa: You got a cigarette?
Me: no.
Teresa: Are you one of those straight edge pricks who hasn't ever tried a drug in their life?
Me: *thinking of a way to answer that
Teresa: Ever tried coke? Best drug ever, I used to be fat, I lost 67 lbs on it. Had to go to rehab for two years though. Worth it.

Alright. This girl works 50 hours a week because she supports herself. She wants to quit college because its a waste of her time. She thinks its respectable to have a baby at 17 as long as your raise it. She wants to be successful and rich one day. Not sure how shes planning on doing that though. Maybe shes working on the formula for the money tree shes going to grow in her backyard, or maybe she'll find a wealthy man who will want to marry a waitress who has been to rehab and still does drugs, smokes, and never went to college.

But yes, I suppose I am a prick.
What are you going to do?

Please allow me to state the obvious...Rain Sucks.

Days til' someone needs to start building an ark: 31

I'm sick of walking out of my house and being attacked by millions of small pellets of condensed precipitation decesending from the sky.
I'm also tired of driving in it. On pleasant valley rd. there are alot of hills and valley, obviously. The up's are just peachey, but on one particular down there were geese gayly swimming about what had become a ghetto pond.
Geese.
Anyone who knows me is fully aware that I despise nature. (for the most part.) With the exception of the beac, but even then I don't really like sand- or salt- or the animals that reside in the water. In fact, my uncle bought me a hunting T-Shirt because I've been donned "deer slayer." Not because I enjoy hunting (I would never go hunting because I'd have to trapse through the woods) but because I've hit many a deer in my day with my hearty vehicle. By accident
Bitter? Maybe.
What do you do when you see a flock of geese gayly swimming about in what had become a ghetto pond while your on the cell phone complaining about the fact that its been raining for 9 days?

psh... complain more

You learn something new everyday...

I was in my Intro to Business class, and Diabetes was brought up. Because of course diabetes has everything to do with business...

Who knew people with diabetes lost their toes?
and fingers occasionally?
when I heard this I immediatly raised my hand, leaned over my desk towards the front of the room, and said
"Whaat??"

Because I definetely did not know that. I gotta say that information struck me as slightly appaling. Considering the obesity "epidemic" which has bitzkrieg'd our fine nation, should I expect a bunch of old, fat, toeless, fingerless people weebleing their way around in the next few decades?
Ha, just take a moment... its "lets make a mental picture time with Jessica"
Picture an ugly person
Now picture an ugly old person
Now picture an ugly old fat person
Now picture an ugly old fat person, except take away their fingers and toes.

I know..one way ticket to hell but hah, thats not pretty.
I should go into the diabetic shoe business, in a few years I'll make a killing. Those puppies sell for $600.00 per shoe. Thats priceir than Jimmy Choo.
Ha, I made a rhyme.

Nip/Tuck

How disturbing is that show? Not even for obvious reasons, but that carver guy scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid of whats behind me for the next two weeks. I was gonna put a picture of the carver to illustrate my point, but I don't want that to taint my blog.
I'm like a mosquito going into the light, i know that show will put me into a perpetual skittish state, but I just can't not watch it.
Horrible.

I Should Just Move To Australia

This morning around 8 am I realized two things,
1. I had forgotten to get my work hours for the week
2. I had forgotten to finish reading the material for my Economics test, well not so much forgot more that I just didn't do it.

At 8 am my cerebellum is not fully functional, or funtional at all for that matter. Think of a lake on a fall morning, theres usually a haze of fog grazing the surface of the water.
Thats like my brain at 8 AM, the information is all there but its clouded. Except my brain in the morning is not quite as majestic as a large body of water being graced by early morning fog.
They tell me its more along the lines of wet noodles shaped like a pigskin

8:00 AM- 8:05 AM
I called work at and got my hours, apparently I was supposed to be in today from noon- 5pm.
Not a problem.

Wait.
Yes...That is very much a problem.
My Economics test starts a noon.
Crap.
8:07 AM Realized I had a potential problem
Let me inform the unaware, I havn't worked for the past 2 weeks because after studing I need a certain amount of time to slack off and recover, working was cutting into that time.
To give Express the credit they deserve, I did switch my wednesday morning class to monday afternoon.
This is a predicament, perhaps I could become an Omnipresent Spirit and be in two places at once.

8:21 AM
Quit my job because I needed to take the test.
Now at least 50% of you are thinking this was irrational, however there are far more complexities than what im presenting you with.

8:23 AM
Hindsight kicks in.
That might have been a bad move.
Crap.

So then I took a self test online for Unit I, just to make sure I knew at least something that would be on the test and I got a 60%.
Whoa. Man.
I freaked out.

8:46 AM - 8:52 AM Freaking Out
Most people who receive a score like that on a practice test, consider it a premenition. They use the 3 hours they have to spare before class and try to cram as much info into their little brains as possible. That is what normal freaking out looks like.
No, not me. I watched 2 hours of TV before I showered and shulmped off to class.
It was all very depressing.

8:21 AM- Noon
I was a jobless-smartless individual, I listened to EMO music the whole way there.

So I get to school and the parking lot was so full that I had to park not one, but two parking lots away.
I was so late that it didn't even make a difference anymore, so I figured why the hell not and went to get a soda from the vending machines before I went to class.
Yeah, it exploded all over me.

Noon- 12:15 Bitter.
Bitter, and plotting revenge to the Pepsi company. Ready to sue because I experienced pain when carbonated sugar and aspertame splashed enthusiastically in and around my eyes.
Jerks.

I would've run back to my car to change my shirt if it wasnt a 5k run away.
Maybe I could have said i was running for future people who will get cancer from Diet Coke, and someone would have sponsored me, then I could have sent the money the same day I sent my letter of bitterness that would be designed to strike fear into the heart of the Pepsi company.
But no, I went degectedly to take my friggin test.
And I took it.
EVERY SINGLE QUESTION WAS THE SAME AS THE PRACTICE TEST I TOOK!
Holy mother of God.

I got an A+

You know what really grinds my gears?

When an individual's voicemail is music. You know who you are with that ridiculous Mariah Carey song on your answering machine. Mariah's voice pierces through the static/fuzz and travels directly into my eardrum, and stays there.
Ridiculous.
Or when it rings...and rings
"Hello?"
Me: Hey! Its Jess..."Kidding...leave a message" ...ica...i'm dumb.
This is reverse creativity at its finest... It was something that maybe was funny the first time some very funny person decided to do it 5 years ago. Now, it is so overdone, that it is ...Reverse creativity. Or mooched creativity.

Listen to me, a voicemail message just needs to tell me I called the correct number. I also know to talk at the beep. Trying to use your voicemail as a creative muse is just going to give others something to mock.

You Gotta Do Whatchu Gotta Do

Everyone has had that urge at one time or another in his or her life.
That insatiable desire.
It comes when you’re in a setting that requires your attention and silence. However there’s that one person (within arms reach) that falls asleep. We aren’t talking chin down old man in church doze, I’m saying full out comatose state.
And you don’t just want to poke this person- you need to.
Especially if they’re either snoring or drooling, that’s the best.
You start to fight with yourself, mostly because you’re bored but partially because you never know whats going to happen when you rouse someone by way of the ‘poke.’
You turn to this person and see his ears, you could be creative and poke him in the ear with a pencil or something. But you never want to inflict pain on our sleeping beauty, for fear that he will awaken with a very, very loud
“OW WHAT THE F**K!”
That would just be embarrassing for the both of you. You've now become an instant center of unwanted attention.
You’d have to sit there and look straight to the front like nothing happened, meanwhile this person's eyes are burning into the side of your head with a look of disgust and contempt, well depending on how loud he was, maybe not disgust and contempt but at the very least irritation.
You can’t look back at this person, because on the inside your exploding with laughter and you’re starting to make that duck sound people make when they are trying not to laugh, but a bit of laughter spits out.
Crap you looked.
But despite the looks directed at you from whoever your listening to talk at the front of that room you’ll never..ever wish you didn’t poke them, because how great was that?

The Sign of the Apocalypse

My little brother is a guy with Beatles/Oasis shaggy hair, often mistaken for a surfer, who is suddenly a foot taller than I am.
He's trying to wish me out of this house so he can turn my room into his personal den but other than that we get along surprisingly well. Mostly because he knows his life is good because of the path I've cleared for him. I've leveled my parents down from communist dictators to prime ministers of their socialist nation. 10 years from now when my little sister is 17 it'll suck for her because they'll have gone full circle to facists. She'll have a 7 pm curfew on the weekends, (please, she has 3 older siblings, you know one of us will end up in rehab within the decade, that'll just kill all the work I've done)
Since I only go to class 16 hours a week, we've been seeing alot of each other. One morning while we were both bent over frosted flakes, I sorted the mail from the day before and I found a letter from College Board.
Me: Ha. Ha. You have to take the S.A.T's, sucks. for. you.
My Brother: *shakes the hair out of his face* Whatever
Me: You have to take the S.A.T's and I don't.
My Brother: Yeah well you go to Brookdale and I don't
Me: Touche'
Me again: What if you failed
My Brother: Then that would suck
*Can't you feel the apathetic atmosphere?*
Me: Maybe you'll get a perfect score

There was a momentary silence, he looks at me with a straight face and says,
"If I get a perfect score, that means the Apocalypse is coming."
I did not expect that answer at all.
Fabulous.