Pete & Elda

I was driving down pleasant valley rd, a narrow road outlined with Mc Mansions in the butt-crack of Marlboro. Although its usually the long way, I try to take it as often as possible because other than the occasional garbage truck, I can go as fast as I please- consquently making it the short way.
I was gleefully turning the corner at a rapid pace, and I almost hit some lady running.
She was a bit on the chubby side, and was having a little trouble with the feet lifting part.
I noticed her shirt...
"I ate a whole pie at Pete & Eldas!"

Oh Honey...

(For non-new jersians, Pete and Elda's is a pizza place in Neptune thats famous for giving out t-shirts to people who can eat an entire pie.)

It doesnt get any more carbtastic than that!


"What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!"
- Joey

A Bull in the China Cabinet

Me: "Mom I'm going to see Danielles play."

"What play?"

"one where she plays an old lady."

"Can you even get to Danielle's school?"
*Danielle goes to a private school in eastbumblefuck.*

"I have a vague idea"
[Blank Stare]
"I'll just take the parkway north, and im sure theres an exit to her school."

"So your going to travel the parkway until you see the big sign that says EXIT: Danielles play where she plays an old lady- stay right. Of course it'll have to have flashing lights because I know you sucked your glasses into a vaccum cleaner."
[Dammit]

"...what?"

"Follow her mom."

Right.

Ater the play

Alex and Angel joined me in my efforts to be a good friend and we were feelin pretty good about ourselves. To avoid chit-chat with people we dont know, we opted to wait in the car until Jackie (danielles mom) was ready to leave.

"Jess, is this a Christian School?"

"Its called Timothy Christian, I'm gonna say yes."
*Heres your sign*

"All the parents are staring at us."

"I feel judged."

"their eyes are burning through me."
[silence]

"..Jess..I'm a little scared.."

Thinking back I realized it might have something to do with us playing "I wanna fuck with the hooey." with the windows rolled down.

Jackie came and said that danielles grandparents would be following us back.
So our little caravan ventured out on its merry way, me following Jackies intrepid, which was easy because they have those funky taillights.

We came to a yellow light and I sped through to keep up with Jackie, but of course like all old people Danielle's grandparents stopped.
The intrepid pulled over and we pulled over behind it, her grandparents past us but they pulled over too.
So we sat there on the side of the road until Jackie pulled out and we continued.

"Why are we making all these sporatic lefts and rights?"

"I have no clue, just keep up."

10 minutes later we pull into some sort of community.

"Where are we?"

"We're probably taking a short cut."

"No you know what this looks like one of them 'active adult communities' we are probably dropping the old people off."

"Yeah probably."

"Goddamn! there are so many speedbumps!"

Alex states matter-of-fact-ly..."They want you to go slow so you dont hit the old people during the day, they probably go out for walks."
[silence]

So we are making lefts and rights through this what we assume to be an 'active adult community' danielles grandparents are still behind us, and the intrepid pulls into a space. We are about to pull into the space next to it, my phone rings

"Hey! Its Jackie are you still behind us?"

"Yeah we're right behind you."
*obnoxious HONK #1*

"Are Danielle's grandparents with you?"

"Yeah they are here too"
*obnoxious HONK#2*

"Who is honking in the background? Uhm, yeahh..so we are on 287..."

I didn't hear what she said after that because some guy got out of the intrepid and let me tell you, he was NOT a relative of danielle's.

My car ZOOMED i do not exaggerate. we zoomed away and when we were far enough away we died laughing.

Maybe you had to be there.

Homer: "Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try

"You suffer for your soup."

I was bored as hell trying to fall asleep
If I can't sleep, I might as well be productive.

I was still chipper at 4 am, all my homework was done, and I watched the entire first season of friends, so I was a little bored.

Me *In my head*- "The gym opens at 5, I should go now!"

I put on my new balances, and got my Lemon-y flavored water...took a swig of dayquil and ventured out into the darkness.

The SECOND i stepped outside i realized that this is completely ridiculous.

First off...I felt like i was sneaking out, its not morning if you need to use your headlights.
and...it was FREEZING, if i had balls - i would have frozen them off.

My car is blowing out cold air, which is fogging up my windows so I'm driving like an asshole going 5 mph up my street, my body has begun to shiver uncontrollably

Then my teeth start chattering which was really great because my retainer made a clanking sound which was pissing me off.

All the sudden I've reached a point of cold where my entire respiratory system has frozen over and im beginning to asphyxiate.

Eventually i made it to the gym but it was a hard road...

moral of the story: just be fat.


"Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!"
"You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?"
- Marie and Frank in The Toaster

Because I'm Jessica

"Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."
- Stewie

My senior paper is only a week late! thats the good news..
the bad new is, holy shit my senior paper is a week late!

So I woke up early on saturday because of course i can write something in a day that will be just as good as what other people can do in 5 months.

why?

Because I'm Jessica.

I went to the library and picked up my commentaries on Dickens, as well as Igby goes down, because obviously its not going to take the whole day to write a 6 page paper.

The librarian scans my card and I'm off in la la land watching some 2 year old try and put a square puzzle piece into the circle place, and then i have to be ashamed of myself when i think how stupid that kid must be..la la la

"Ma'am?"

"Oh hi"
[snapped to reality]

"Your card is blocked"

"Why?"
[I know why]

"well you brought 3 movies back 8 days late."

"Are you sure?"
[Yes]

"would you like me to print it out for you?"

"yes, thank you."
[It'll buy me a few seconds]

the kid is still working on the square..dammit

librarian hands me a reciept along with the look of death, it honestly struck fear into my soul. I think it was Gods way of warning me, cant scoff the 2 year olds anymore..
*short prayer of repentance*

"25.00? Can i pay that when i return these?"

"No, your card is blocked you cant take out anything."

"But.."
[snap!]
"Your hindering my learning!"

"sorry"

Yes...I'm sure she is sorry. I'm sorrier though because right now I'm awake at 3:37 writing my senior paper using NOTHING.
God is punishing me...