Can't Touch This

It has been brought to my attention that I'm fluffy.
Apparently.

Not fluffy like a dog
...or a cloud.
"I write about fluff, my writing is fluff."
this is what I've been told.

I'm assuming I should resent that (you know what happens when you assume)- yet I don't, simply because my last post was devoted to my on going crisis on how to cut my hair, and the post before that contained a picture of a smurf.

I am blatantly fluffy.

Don't go searching though my comments for the perpetrator because this was mentioned to me in the magical world of 3 dimensions.

I've come to a decision, I find writing about fluff to be enjoyable.
On the flipside I want to challenge my skills. Because lets face it, im spite of my amazing numchuck skills, my writing skills can always be improved.
Plus it's great for the guy-catching process, I can be flirty/retarded/stammer in public, but go read my blog and whoo boy.
Ain't she smart?

(Thats rhetorical, by the way)

Help Me.

I cannot decide, I'm very bored of my long and brown hair. I want change. I was thinking chin length choppy with bangs blonde hair?
Opinions / comments would be appreciated.

Say Hello to My Little Friend...Smurfette

Gabe and myself decided to go on a fast food run, after a bit of confusion at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru, I was content with my Cheesy Crunchy Gordita goodness- and we proceded over to the Burger King.

Drive Thru Lady: Can I help you?
Me: *mouthfull of mexican ruffage* What do you want Gabe? *Gabe blocks spewage of shredded lettuce*
Gabe: Uh *mumble*
Me: What are you saying? You just tell her
Gabe: *screams* I WANT THE CHICKEN FRIES MEAL
Me: *deaf*
Total: $4.59
Gabe handed the cashier $5.00
Weren't we surprised when she handed us the reciept and literally a stack of singles?

Gabe: Why am I getting bills back?
Me: Maybe your the customer of the day...
Our surprise quickly turned into bewilderment, we drove up to the exit and looked over the receipt.
Realizing that we'd actually made $5.00, our options were just drive away, or give it back.
Giving it back seemed to be the nice thing to do...
However, we got a bit sidetracked.

Gabe: Ha!
I looked, and there it was on the receipt-
Cashier: Smurfette

I kid you not.

Gabe: Its Smurfette! Like the little blue men!
Me: Maybe shes like Princess Fiona in Shrek, except instead of turning into an ogre at night, she turns into a smurf!

Oh the Irony

Lets go back...way back-
to June.

When I was carelessly late for the train to NYC. As I got into a passionate verbal arguement with the parking machine my train pulled up. I had to make a split second decision, wait for the 10:30 train or just not pay for my beloved spot #679.
True to character I chose the latter.
My friend and I boarded the train and took our seats. Across the isle a tawdry middle-aged woman looked at us, smiled a toothless grin and asked,
"Do either of you have a safety pin?"
"No, sorry." we replied.
"I've had these jeans since I was 15," I didn't doubt it. "And they chose just now to give up on me! The day I wore a G-string too..."
What can you do but nod?
Nothing...you can do nothing.

So as the train pulled away we called my friends Dad who came and paid the parking fee about 15 minutes after we left the station.
When I came back later in the day, I had gotten a parking ticket- apparently in the time between the train leaving and my friends father arriving.

Dirty. Jerks.

I decided that in light of their excessive jerk-ness I was going to fight the ticket.
So let me bring you back to this week.

It was when I was forced to wake-up before God that I realized how ridiculous fighting this ticket was and what a waste of my time it would inevitably become, so in honor of the fact that life is too short to sit in court (hey that rhymes)
I just decided to pay it.
Although apparently you still have to go to the court house to do that.
When I rolled in, I noticed that the parking lot was, not unlike the Grinch's heart- 2 sizes too small. (Coincidence? I think not)
Everyone was mulling around like little ants, hunting for a spot- one guy decided to simply park his car along the edge of the lot. Of course being the sheep we are... everyone else followed suit.

I was one of the last in line, lucky me.
Despite the fact that I was really cutting the whole 50 ft. from the stop sign rule really close, I parked in front of the malibu anyway.
My thought process was simple.
Who gets a parking ticket at traffic court?

Waiting for the imbisol of a worker to run my ticket through, I saw the drummer from my church- apparently he got a speeding ticket on the way to church.
Oh the irony.
So things went smoothly paying for the ticket, I left very content with myself.
Walking out of the building I noticed 2 things...
1. That the malibu behind my car had been replaced with a Jeep which was literally about 2 inches from my bumper. A Suburban had parked in front of me, again about 2 inches away. My car was in a parking headlock. I was about ready to call in the Gadget Mobile when the second thing occured to me.
2. There was now about 5 policejerks strutting with much glee in perfect V formation towards my car.
the mission impossible theme song started playing in my head
I quickened my pace, momentarily the owner of the suburban, a heavy woman in dainty heels- she looked like an upside-down pyramid- came clicking over.
You know how some little kids put so much effort into running, but they really don't really get anywhere.
Yeah-that was her.

I glanced over at one of the police officers and exchanged a smile. It was a lovely moment- especially because I'm pretty sure those policejerks were dumber than a rocks and the suburban lady provided an adequate distraction to make him forget why they came over in the first place.

100 Things About Me

Sorry my blogging was lagged...but no fear Jessica is here.

1. Cereal is my favorite food
2. I don't understand people who don't like cereal
3. I believe in God
4. I believe God comes before cereal, however in that moment I was hunkerin' for some cereal
5. I believe acceptance of God's salvation is the only way to have true happiness
6. Pink is my favorite color
7. My phone doesn't have any special downloaded ringtones
8. I have 3 younger siblings
9. My nails are real
10. I used to have a space in between my 2 front teeth
11. They called me GapKid
12. So I got braces soph. year of high school
13. I got them off
14. and now I have a still have a smaller space between my teeth
15. I don't look like Madonna though because I have very small teeth to begin with
16. I've had 11 jobs since freshman year of high school
17. I have ADD
18. I worked at a health food store for a year and a half
19. I've never been fired
20. I'm scared to death of spiders
21. and the dark
22. but not snakes
23. I hate the snow
24. and precipitation in general
25. because I'm short the bottom 7 inches of my pants are always wet,
26. and I think that looks stupid.
27. I wish I had freckles
28. I dislike randomly running into people from high school
29. even when I was in high school
30. I was a vegetarian for a year and 8 months.
31. I've used the same laura ashley sheets since I was 5, they are at their peak softness
32. My family has a newsletter, which I publish monthly
33. -it's called Welcome to the Monkey House
34. I have an aunt who is 2 years older than me
35. She's from guam
36. or someplace in that region
37. I didn't have a sweet sixteen
38. I like Taco Bell despite its dirtyness
39. My parents have never met one of my boyfriends-
40. Ever.
41. Most of the time I'm as close, or closer to my Grandparents then I am to my Parents
42. I am not self-sufficent
43. I could be if I tried
44. But I don't feel like trying
45. I'm lazy
46. I signed up for peace corps. because I was bored
47. I'm still waiting to hear back from them
48. I'm not patient
49. I don't try to be.
50. If you think I'm selfish & materialistic you don't know me
51. I'm actually a Republican & Capitalist
52. If you think I'm bossy than your an idiot
53. I like George Bush
54. I think Dick Cheney is a funny name
55. I am not a mature individual
56. some say im responsible
57. no one says im mature
58. I'm a Toys R Us kid
59. I dislike horseback riding
60. as well as horses
61. I'm am somewhat of a genius
62. My IQ is 131
63. If people ask me my IQ, and in honor of being polite I ask what their IQ is- theirs is always between 132-135
64. Funny how that works out
65. My favorite TV show is the Cosby Show
66. I can relate anything to the Cosby Show
67. I have big feet
68. Dolce & Gabbanna: Light Blue is my signature scent
69. I love making documentaries
70. I'm an avid reader
71. When I was 9 I won 3rd in a nationwide Art Contest sponsored by Caldores
72. I got a really big teddy bear
73. But its head ripped off
74. Caldores shut down
75. I like fads.
76. I've owned furby and tamagotchi
77. collected milkads, POGs, beanie babies and pokemon cards
78. isn't that sad?
79. Chinese food is amazing
80. I throw many social gatherings every year
81. by social gathering I do not mean free beer
82. civilized social gatherings
83. I'm awesome at solitare
84. I'm also fabulous at texas hold 'em
85. I won $350 playing texan hold 'em once
86. usually I let the guys win
87. those particular guys were dirty jerks
88. after I played they were poor dirty jerks
89. I was a published author at 9.
90. I've watched Full House since I was born
91. My style icon is Ashley Olsen
92. I think Lindsay Lohan looks better Blonde
93. I love classical music
94. as well as anything with a piano
95. When I lived in my old neighborhood I would make money by painting pictures and selling them door to door to my nieghbors
96. I've never gone Trick-or-Treating
97. My Mom's birthday is on Halloween
98. My Dad and I were both born on Friday the 13th.
99. I'm a certified pro-marksman/marksman
100. Don't mess with me.

My Teacher Didn't like My Drawing of the Invisible Castle

Tommorrow- well technically today- is my first day at my brand spankin' new place of employment. I had my spur of the moment orientation today where I met one of my co-workers, a very attractive specimen of the opposite sex.
A very attractive, and extremely well-dressed member of the opposite sex.
So well dressed in fact, that its very unclear what team hes batting for, causing my flirtation skills (as well as hormones in general) to be set in "deer-in-the-headlights" mode.
Lets face it, I have enough gay friends to help me pick out my clothes- however the only boyfriend I have is 'Bob the Boyfriend', and he's invisible.
Of course I realize straight men can dress nicely too, but even when straight guys have a fashion sense, they tend to put themselves together differently. Does that make any sense?
Well, we shall see.

Roosters have Most Excellent Timing

I was listening to some most excellent Dashboard Confessional ("Hands Down"- specifically) and I admittedly had my stereo blasting at a high decibal level. Not so loud that my neighbors look out their windows as I pass saying, "That hooligan with her music loud! Teenagers today..."
Never the less it was pretty loud.
Usually I remember to turn down the music as I pull into the garage- apparently that must have slipped my mind.
Because when I got into the car this morning and turned on the ignition...

Lord have mercy.

It scared me so badly, I actually jumped out of the car.

I havn't been scared so badly since I saw the Sixth Sense at Debo's house. We had gone to bed around 3 am, and I was not aware that the girl had chickens in her backyard. That is not something I generally assume, maybe if we lived in Nebraska-

but we don't.

Just before daybreak (for those of you who don't know, thats when the chickens materialize from their slumber) I hear these faint noises coming from I don't know where, who knows anything at 4:30 am? Half in/half out of my spacey sleep-coma, chickens sounded like dead people.

I'm sorry but they did.

Ashley: Whats your problem go to sleep
Me: *whisper* I swear there are dead people in her backyard
Ashley: Their are no dead people, they are sleeping.
Me: *pulls off Ashley's covers* Yes! Listen!
*Ashley ignores me*
This must have been what Noah felt like telling everyone there was going to be a flood.
*I pull off everyone's covers*
Me: Guys, I totally hear dead people in Debo's backyard!
Debo: Holy crap your so dumb, I have chickens!
*rooster crows* (see? don't roosters have most excellent timing?)
Me: Oh. go back to sleep then.

That was 4 years ago, and I'm still not invited to go see scary movies.


I see dead people
- The Sixth Sense

Chew on this...

I have come to the conclusion that mirrors in the gym make you look fatter.
Kind of like the mirrors in clothing stores make you look skinnier.
These shifty little executive grubbers at NYSC want to make you, the consumer, look as lardaceous as possible to keep you coming back.
I actually have no idea what I'm talking about...

I need sleep.

High-Ho Off to Psuedo-College I Go!

In September I'll be entering the academic realm via Community College, due to the fact that Drexel decided I didn't need any financial aid. Way to screw the middle class.
I suppose my parents could have coughed up the $40,000 (per year), but its in the axe murder section of Philadelphia- I wouldn't have lasted very long anyway.

Not that I'm denouncing Community College, so don't leave me any nasty comments, but the looks of my social future are less then enticing.
I'll have the privledge of hanging out with Johnny Football who didn't get the recruitment he'd hoped for;
the spikey-hair cigarette in my mouth Gotti wannabe with the "I'm too cool for school because I drive a shiney red mustang with rims" attitude;
That girl who knows she can't handle real college and quite frankly doesn't want to but, "my high school sweetheart goes to Rutgers, so I've got to do something for the next 4 years";
Those kids who are just going to take over the family business someday, where they'll most definatly be a millionare, so why even bother;
then theres all the other random people. (like me)
I realize that all of these types of people also attend 4 year intitutions, however they are far more plentiful at Brookdale Community College. You should look foward to my future posts about the interesting people I'll have the pleasure of meeting. We shall all be enriched, lets face it, my material has gotten very weak as the summer has progressed.

Anyway, all I ever wanted out of college was a whole buttload of Ramen Noodles. They are the nectar of God and I'm looking foward to their most excellent noodlelly goodness.


Well you can do what you want to us, but we're not gonna sit here and let you bad mouth the United States of America!!!!
- Animal House

This is my dog...Dog.

Gabe: If I had a dog, I would name it "Dog"
Me: How original...you would do it too.
Gabe: Yes. And if I had a second dog, I would name it "Dog number two."

This exchange reminded me of a previous conversation...

Josh: Good thing God created Eve to help Adam name stuff; if it had been just Adam, it would have been animal #1, animal #2...
then everything green would be grass. Trees would be- Big Grass.

I agree.

How Many Licks does it Take to Get to the Center of a Toostie Roll Pop... One More Thing the World May Never Know

I'm quite miffed at the moment,
in fact I think it would be fair to say that my feathers are ruffled.
Myself, Gabe and my brothers went to the Taco Bell drive-thru, after using the appropriate drive thru etiquitte and social formalities, (there was most definatly no rudeness whatsoever)
I ordered myself a diet coke with no ice.
I drink diet coke because I think its ignorance on my part to consume unecessary regular coke calories when diet coke tastes better in the first place. Actually I'm more of a Pepsi girl, but thats besides the point.
(and no one go giving me that aspertame nonsense.)
I don't get ice because:
#1. I don't like the watery flavor after it melts
#2. Excessively cold beverage/frozen products make my front teeth hurt
#3. I get less of the soda that I'm paying perfectly good money for
Anyway...so the cretinous little taco bell boy with a 'tude hands me my diet coke...and it's only 75% full. Therefore completely nullifying (nullifying?) reason #3.
I don't consider myself to be hard to please, and in general I let little things go, -cry me a river build a bridge and get over it- but they just blatantly left a good portion of my cup empty.
If I wanted to buy something half empty I'd buy potato chips.
So I gave it back, using my please and thank-you's, he filled it, and we drove away.

Me: He gave me regular coke!
Gabe: Let me taste....no...thats diet.
Me: I don't know...
Gabe: Well its either diet Coke or regular Pepsi.
Me:Agh I can't drink something unidentifiable.

I've come to the conclusion that its half and half. The spiteful little punk probably topped it off with regular. Thats just my theory though.
The world may never know.

Do the Running Man

Unfortunately skinny people run far faster than fat people.
Unfortunate for me that is.
I used a treadmill at the gym for the first time today, I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly had the urge.
I havn't been on a treadmill since Lauren decided she wanted to be a cheerleader, so around 2 am so Lauren, myself, and Sandra came to the conclusion it would just oh-so super fun to choreograph some cheerleading dances and watch Bring it On.
While Sandra and Lauren danced to a mix of Shakira and Christina Milian, I went into the other room to use the treadmill, not knowing what perils lay ahead.
Me: Sandra why wont it speed up?
Sandra: I don't know just keep pressing the button until it does.
Me: Ok
Suddenly..and most unexpectedly WHOOSH!!!
The freaking treadmill decides to mock me by going 2mph- 25 mph in 2 seconds. the best part is that her tread mill was against the wall, so after i've fallen I'm stuck on top of the running treadmill against a wall.
Excellent.
Me: *incoherent cries for help*
Lauren: Jessica, like, what are you dooinngg?
Me: *(*&*^&^%%$$#$*
Lauren walks in and pulls the emergency stop chord. I never anticipated a treadmill emergency before, so I was not even aware such a chord existed. Now I check for all emergency chords before boarding the excersise equipment.
Luckily Lauren's mother is a nurse so my wounds were bandaged quite nicely, as I was mocked profusely.

My problem with the treadmill, as well as running in general lies in the fact that when I run, its not my hamstrings or my abs that hurt.
It's my boobs that are flailing all over the place. I think it throws off my balance.

Regardless, I felt quite accomplished afterwards.
Yay for me.

The Tattoo and Botox Bunch...almost The Brady Bunch, but not quite

Family Reunion in Delaware this weekend. One of those hooplahs where you meet those random crack-head 2nd cousins that you've only met one other time in your life.
One of my core principles is stick by your family.But these people are truely strange, and they've raised some of the brattiest little kids I've ever met in my life. If they won golden tickets, they would have been the first kicked out of the factory.
My grandmother's sister, "Princess Sandy", came from the west coast with Mark, her wimpy new husband. Shes got that guy whipped
I've only met Aunt Sandy one other time in my life, but I can tell you, her lips have never looked like that. No one's lips grow on their face quite like that. Geez.... Looks like we found Nemo.
Then theres Uncle Hap, hes a repo. guy. Interesting profession, I'm not sure if repossesing peoples cars and such requires a whole lot of customer service skills. Generally people arent happy when a bunch of guys come in the middle of the night and take away your car.
Sorry... you snooze you lose.
He's also a bail bondsman, car wash/gas station owner, owns 2 car dealerships, and dabbled in the restaurant industry until he discovered hiring your family as the wait staff probably wasn't the best idea. Only he knows what else he does, but God forbid you ask for his business card, you'll get a gift pack of 12.

So as soon as I was well informed on how to improve my Feng Shui, Aunt Patty (I think shes actually a cousin but whatever) suggested that all the kids go to the beach.
Which of course obligated all the adults to go to the beach.
It was 102 degrees, 89% humidity- and none of us had bathing suits. In fact, Aunt Sandy was in rhinestones and long sleeves.
All 30 of us trapes onto the beach, and I'm not gonna lie, people were looking at us like we were a bunch of looneys.
The kids all frolicked about with much glee,
The un-married/divorced women scanned the shore for some fresh meat,
The married women stood at the edge of the shore talking about Oprah,
The men-folk stood out on the boardwalk on their cell phone with work making faces and shaking their heads.

I fall into the second catagory, however Delaware isn't exactly South Beach so no luck. I'm destined to grow old and alone.
I'll leave you on that note, and I'll add more later. I'm tired.

Ignorance!

What happened to Guys? Maybe I've been watching far too many John Cusack movies but aren't they supposed to be obliging, dauntless, loyal-yet jealous creatures mixed with endearing laziness and reluctance to put down the toilet seat?
Where is my knight in freaking armor?? What ever happened to chivalry and integrety??

Why is it that I now get to choose from a bunch of 5'4" metrosexuals who have more hair products than I do and a backbone the size of my pinkie.

The fact that is now politically correct for me to hold a door for a guy is absolutely ridiculous. It's not like im standing in front of the door helpless but if we arrive simultaneously it wouldn't kill him, and then to actually hold it open so it doesnt slam in my face. Therefore cancelling out the whole concept of opening it for me in the first place.

What is this girls asking out guys and holding 50% of the responsibility to "make the first move"
This is ignorance.

Where is my tall beefcake macho man? I'm not looking for
"Ooga Ooga me tarzan- you Jane. Fire good."

But please, allow me to have the best wardrobe of shoes in the relationship.

You know what else is ridiculous? Honking the horn to pick me up! The horn does not translate into a make-shift doorbell, and I promise I wont come out.
At least offer to pick up the check. I don't mind splitting it, but come with the intention to pay, and for the love of God don't go to the bathroom when the check comes. Thats just being cheap in the most grotesque way possible.

I highly dislike those extreme feminists. I have an appreciation for my right to vote, and my equality in general. But its just not fair that I have to have my period and be forced to go to Iraq. Its one or the other my friends.

One or the other.

Girls need to demand respect. Thats true feminism.

*%$*&@@$^

Green means Go.

That is all.

Downfalls of Laziness

Robby's house is only a short walk from church, so Gabe and Robby- in need of a CD player decided to walk over, to their credit it wasn't exactly scortching out, but it wouldn't have been pleasant to meander over.

Robby: Want to walk to my house with us?
Me: No.
Me: Danielle do you want to walk to Robby's house?
Danielle: No.
Danielle: Why can't we just drive?

So Danielle and myself decided to put down the top (of my car) and drive behind Robby and Gabe at a walking pace.
You'll see us on Maury 5 years from now on the "So fat they can't even fit into their cars anymore" episode.

Anyway... so we hit a glitch in the plan when we got stuck at the everlasting traffic light, and they disappeared. Scotty must have beamed them to Robby's house because they were not anywhere to be seen.

Danielle: *on the cell phone* Where did you go??
Robby: *incoherant rambing*
Danielle: Give the phone to Gabe.
Gabe: Turn left on Andover Dr.

So we drive around, looking...looking...looking...
no Andover to be seen.

Danielle: I think I definatly know where Andover is. *trails off*
Me: So why are you keeping it a secret??

When we finally found them they were wet, well Robby was wet, he looked like he pee'd on himself and then stuck his head in a bowl of water.
Gabe was slightly damp- shall we say moist.

Me: Did you wet yourself?
Robby: No.
*subject change*

I'll forever wonder what I missed.