We got pills for that...

Sold all my books for front row tickets to dave matthews band...

2006-01-17T07:56:00.001-08:00

Although merely a song lyric, it's a brilliant idea. I'm more into Jack than Dave anyway.

Soo I havn't blogged in awhile. My pressing social life has imposed on the time I usually spend writing it all down. Since I've made the discovery that doing your laundry is remarkably boring, I'm back- so be excited.
So heres an update...
God love me, I decided to go to a Christian school.
Lordy. That was an interesting decision on my part... and heres why.
"The Liberty Way"
Featuring...the dress code (!!), curfew (!!!), and the heterosexually impartial theories of Jerry Falwell. Who I get the pleasure of hearing every wednesday morning at 10 am.
Home of the 3 second hug rule. (You cannot hug someone of the opposite sex for more than 3 seconds.)
The campus is not...terrible. It's not Harvard, but they do have a building named after the guy who wrote the Left Behind books, and another one that looks vaguely like that place in DC with the disturbingly enormous statue of Abe Lincoln.

You may be asking yourself, "Does Jessica really enjoy being one of Jerry's kids?"
Well my curious friend, the jury is still out on that one. As wierd and perverted as it may seem, yes I seem to be enjoying life in my 2 story trailer park.

"The imagination is one of the chief glories of being human. When it is healthy & energetic, it ushers us into adoration & wonder, into the mysteries of God. When it is neurotic & sluggish, it turns people, millions of them into parasites, copy-cats and couch potatoes."
--Eugene Peterson

Toast

2005-10-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

My family has strange tendencies, I wont say that my mother is a neat freak, but she does have her moments. The thing that shes the most adamant about is food being wrapped, closed and twisty-tied properly before its put into the refrigerator. Somehow toast does not apply. Its not uncommon for unwanted pieces of toast to be sitting in the toaster for over 24 hours. This baffles me to no end. Toast is such a disregarded food. Bread is the foundation to our entire food pyramid, yet in my family it is abandoned to fend for itself in a benign toaster. We are turning into a family of psudeo Aztecs, letting our food dangle in an appliance wondering if the lever will be pushed down and it will be sacrificed to the toaster gods. I suppose what I’m implying here is that bread has feelings too, I’m not entirely sure how I strayed so far from what I was originally trying to say which was that my family is strange. I guess through the winded path of this paragraph, I’ve only illustrated that I myself am weird.And for that I do not apologize.

Dineriffic

2005-10-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

Congratulate me, I've started my 12th job.
I'm thinking of printing myself a certificate of some sort,
The "I've Had A Job For Every Month" ...Award.

I'm hoping this new job at the diner will stick. When Hollywood makes my life into a movie they'll play the "Working Girl" theme song you'll see me walk into the diner, put on my apron. Then shots of mexicans, toothless 50 year old waitresses and coleslaw. Me taking orders and messing them up, getting $2 tips and standing in front of the computer pressing every button til I get to the right one. Then after a few more shots of me arguing with mexicans, towards the end of the song you see me getting $6 tips, balancing 16 plates on my arms and then finally we switch to Mary Tyler Moore and I'll be throwing my hat in the air...
Your gonna make it afterall!

There are some characters employed at this place let me tell you...
One girl, Teresa shes one of the few people whose around the same age as I am. However, she's taken to calling me 'peanut.'
I can't say I get the whole peanut thing. I dont look like I peanut, I don't eat lots of peanuts, so why am I being referred to as a peanut?
Teresa: I've been waitressin' for 6 years now.
Me: mmhmm.
Teresa: You got a cigarette?
Me: no.
Teresa: Are you one of those straight edge pricks who hasn't ever tried a drug in their life?
Me: *thinking of a way to answer that
Teresa: Ever tried coke? Best drug ever, I used to be fat, I lost 67 lbs on it. Had to go to rehab for two years though. Worth it.

Alright. This girl works 50 hours a week because she supports herself. She wants to quit college because its a waste of her time. She thinks its respectable to have a baby at 17 as long as your raise it. She wants to be successful and rich one day. Not sure how shes planning on doing that though. Maybe shes working on the formula for the money tree shes going to grow in her backyard, or maybe she'll find a wealthy man who will want to marry a waitress who has been to rehab and still does drugs, smokes, and never went to college.

But yes, I suppose I am a prick.
What are you going to do?

Please allow me to state the obvious...Rain Sucks.

2005-10-14T07:28:00.000-07:00

Days til' someone needs to start building an ark: 31

I'm sick of walking out of my house and being attacked by millions of small pellets of condensed precipitation decesending from the sky.
I'm also tired of driving in it. On pleasant valley rd. there are alot of hills and valley, obviously. The up's are just peachey, but on one particular down there were geese gayly swimming about what had become a ghetto pond.
Geese.
Anyone who knows me is fully aware that I despise nature. (for the most part.) With the exception of the beac, but even then I don't really like sand- or salt- or the animals that reside in the water. In fact, my uncle bought me a hunting T-Shirt because I've been donned "deer slayer." Not because I enjoy hunting (I would never go hunting because I'd have to trapse through the woods) but because I've hit many a deer in my day with my hearty vehicle. By accident
Bitter? Maybe.
What do you do when you see a flock of geese gayly swimming about in what had become a ghetto pond while your on the cell phone complaining about the fact that its been raining for 9 days?

psh... complain more

You learn something new everyday...

2005-10-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

I was in my Intro to Business class, and Diabetes was brought up. Because of course diabetes has everything to do with business...

Who knew people with diabetes lost their toes?
and fingers occasionally?
when I heard this I immediatly raised my hand, leaned over my desk towards the front of the room, and said
"Whaat??"

Because I definetely did not know that. I gotta say that information struck me as slightly appaling. Considering the obesity "epidemic" which has bitzkrieg'd our fine nation, should I expect a bunch of old, fat, toeless, fingerless people weebleing their way around in the next few decades?
Ha, just take a moment... its "lets make a mental picture time with Jessica"
Picture an ugly person
Now picture an ugly old person
Now picture an ugly old fat person
Now picture an ugly old fat person, except take away their fingers and toes.

I know..one way ticket to hell but hah, thats not pretty.
I should go into the diabetic shoe business, in a few years I'll make a killing. Those puppies sell for $600.00 per shoe. Thats priceir than Jimmy Choo.
Ha, I made a rhyme.

Nip/Tuck

2005-10-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

How disturbing is that show? Not even for obvious reasons, but that carver guy scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid of whats behind me for the next two weeks. I was gonna put a picture of the carver to illustrate my point, but I don't want that to taint my blog.
I'm like a mosquito going into the light, i know that show will put me into a perpetual skittish state, but I just can't not watch it.
Horrible.

I Should Just Move To Australia

2005-10-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

This morning around 8 am I realized two things,
1. I had forgotten to get my work hours for the week
2. I had forgotten to finish reading the material for my Economics test, well not so much forgot more that I just didn't do it.

At 8 am my cerebellum is not fully functional, or funtional at all for that matter. Think of a lake on a fall morning, theres usually a haze of fog grazing the surface of the water.
Thats like my brain at 8 AM, the information is all there but its clouded. Except my brain in the morning is not quite as majestic as a large body of water being graced by early morning fog.
They tell me its more along the lines of wet noodles shaped like a pigskin

8:00 AM- 8:05 AM
I called work at and got my hours, apparently I was supposed to be in today from noon- 5pm.
Not a problem.

Wait.
Yes...That is very much a problem.
My Economics test starts a noon.
Crap.
8:07 AM Realized I had a potential problem
Let me inform the unaware, I havn't worked for the past 2 weeks because after studing I need a certain amount of time to slack off and recover, working was cutting into that time.
To give Express the credit they deserve, I did switch my wednesday morning class to monday afternoon.
This is a predicament, perhaps I could become an Omnipresent Spirit and be in two places at once.

8:21 AM
Quit my job because I needed to take the test.
Now at least 50% of you are thinking this was irrational, however there are far more complexities than what im presenting you with.

8:23 AM
Hindsight kicks in.
That might have been a bad move.
Crap.

So then I took a self test online for Unit I, just to make sure I knew at least something that would be on the test and I got a 60%.
Whoa. Man.
I freaked out.

8:46 AM - 8:52 AM Freaking Out
Most people who receive a score like that on a practice test, consider it a premenition. They use the 3 hours they have to spare before class and try to cram as much info into their little brains as possible. That is what normal freaking out looks like.
No, not me. I watched 2 hours of TV before I showered and shulmped off to class.
It was all very depressing.

8:21 AM- Noon
I was a jobless-smartless individual, I listened to EMO music the whole way there.

So I get to school and the parking lot was so full that I had to park not one, but two parking lots away.
I was so late that it didn't even make a difference anymore, so I figured why the hell not and went to get a soda from the vending machines before I went to class.
Yeah, it exploded all over me.

Noon- 12:15 Bitter.
Bitter, and plotting revenge to the Pepsi company. Ready to sue because I experienced pain when carbonated sugar and aspertame splashed enthusiastically in and around my eyes.
Jerks.

I would've run back to my car to change my shirt if it wasnt a 5k run away.
Maybe I could have said i was running for future people who will get cancer from Diet Coke, and someone would have sponsored me, then I could have sent the money the same day I sent my letter of bitterness that would be designed to strike fear into the heart of the Pepsi company.
But no, I went degectedly to take my friggin test.
And I took it.
EVERY SINGLE QUESTION WAS THE SAME AS THE PRACTICE TEST I TOOK!
Holy mother of God.

I got an A+

You know what really grinds my gears?

2005-10-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

When an individual's voicemail is music. You know who you are with that ridiculous Mariah Carey song on your answering machine. Mariah's voice pierces through the static/fuzz and travels directly into my eardrum, and stays there.
Ridiculous.
Or when it rings...and rings
"Hello?"
Me: Hey! Its Jess..."Kidding...leave a message" ...ica...i'm dumb.
This is reverse creativity at its finest... It was something that maybe was funny the first time some very funny person decided to do it 5 years ago. Now, it is so overdone, that it is ...Reverse creativity. Or mooched creativity.

Listen to me, a voicemail message just needs to tell me I called the correct number. I also know to talk at the beep. Trying to use your voicemail as a creative muse is just going to give others something to mock.

You Gotta Do Whatchu Gotta Do

2005-10-03T05:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone has had that urge at one time or another in his or her life.
That insatiable desire.
It comes when you’re in a setting that requires your attention and silence. However there’s that one person (within arms reach) that falls asleep. We aren’t talking chin down old man in church doze, I’m saying full out comatose state.
And you don’t just want to poke this person- you need to.
Especially if they’re either snoring or drooling, that’s the best.
You start to fight with yourself, mostly because you’re bored but partially because you never know whats going to happen when you rouse someone by way of the ‘poke.’
You turn to this person and see his ears, you could be creative and poke him in the ear with a pencil or something. But you never want to inflict pain on our sleeping beauty, for fear that he will awaken with a very, very loud
“OW WHAT THE F**K!”
That would just be embarrassing for the both of you. You've now become an instant center of unwanted attention.
You’d have to sit there and look straight to the front like nothing happened, meanwhile this person's eyes are burning into the side of your head with a look of disgust and contempt, well depending on how loud he was, maybe not disgust and contempt but at the very least irritation.
You can’t look back at this person, because on the inside your exploding with laughter and you’re starting to make that duck sound people make when they are trying not to laugh, but a bit of laughter spits out.
Crap you looked.
But despite the looks directed at you from whoever your listening to talk at the front of that room you’ll never..ever wish you didn’t poke them, because how great was that?

The Sign of the Apocalypse

2005-10-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

My little brother is a guy with Beatles/Oasis shaggy hair, often mistaken for a surfer, who is suddenly a foot taller than I am.
He's trying to wish me out of this house so he can turn my room into his personal den but other than that we get along surprisingly well. Mostly because he knows his life is good because of the path I've cleared for him. I've leveled my parents down from communist dictators to prime ministers of their socialist nation. 10 years from now when my little sister is 17 it'll suck for her because they'll have gone full circle to facists. She'll have a 7 pm curfew on the weekends, (please, she has 3 older siblings, you know one of us will end up in rehab within the decade, that'll just kill all the work I've done)
Since I only go to class 16 hours a week, we've been seeing alot of each other. One morning while we were both bent over frosted flakes, I sorted the mail from the day before and I found a letter from College Board.
Me: Ha. Ha. You have to take the S.A.T's, sucks. for. you.
My Brother: *shakes the hair out of his face* Whatever
Me: You have to take the S.A.T's and I don't.
My Brother: Yeah well you go to Brookdale and I don't
Me: Touche'
Me again: What if you failed
My Brother: Then that would suck
*Can't you feel the apathetic atmosphere?*
Me: Maybe you'll get a perfect score

There was a momentary silence, he looks at me with a straight face and says,
"If I get a perfect score, that means the Apocalypse is coming."
I did not expect that answer at all.
Fabulous.

Chapter 3

2005-09-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

Who Needs Kindness?

Preparing ourselves for church was a production that would inevitability bring out my mother’s worst qualities. Each week she got dangerously close to strangling each and every one of her four children who she claimed to love 6 days a week; on Sunday, we were my father’s. Ironically he was the one family member who was never part of the vigor. On any given Sunday morning you could see him sitting on our green leather couch. His face would be cradled in his hands and there would be an open bible resting on the ottoman in front of him. I used to think he was praying, that of course would deter my brothers and I from bothering him. Now that I’m older I truly believe he was sleeping.
I must give him the credit he deserves for such a cunning strategy. Not once did he have to turn the house upside-down looking for a pair of patent-leather mary-janes, a clip-on bow tie, or a pair of those ridiculous ruffle things that I had to wear under my dresses.
At exactly 9:05 every Sunday my younger brother William and I would dash to the light blue mini van, “calling” our seats as we ran. During the winter months my brother was always in a very puffy jacket, which altered his center of gravity. Not unlike Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story. Those were the days when I would always get my choice seat because William was easily pushed over along the way. It wouldn’t hurt him or anything- he had padding. My mom would get quite irritated but she was a woman on a mission, and she was too busy to put any punishment into effect. We would get to church on time if it was the last thing we did. Sacrifices on the way?
Fine.
As long as we got there.

Rubbing the sleep sand out of my eyes, I walked into the box of a Sunday school room. Upon entrance, you were unfailingly attacked by the smell of mildew. No matter how much cleaning was done. It grows on you after awhile. A new “W.W.J.D” poster had taken up a small portion of the bland, eggshell white walls, and the long rectangular faux wood folding table was surrounded by my equally primped and tired peers. I took the seat next to Danielle that she had secured for me.
Both Danielle Ash and I were born into the Baptist society of gossip, casseroles, and gossiping while eating casseroles. The majority of our lives were spent filling up the backs of bulletins with commentary on the latest Mary-Kate and Ashley mystery movies. We spent so much time at church that Danielle even had her 5th birthday party in the fellowship hall. Where Barney arrived in his full-sized glory and scared the bee-jeezus out of me. I was always that little kid who went into hysterics when one of those 7 foot tall puppet monstrosities showed up. Oh, and I’ve always been jealous of Danielle’s naturally curly hair, it forms these perfect little spirals, I just want to chop it off.
Mr. Bachelle was our 4th grade Sunday school teacher. A weekly combination of varied brown polyester suits, straight from the 70’s, and cowboy boots, were only part of what made him eccentric.
He told at the head of the table, placed his hands like a steeple underneath his chin, and looked at us intently.
“You’ll be pairing up. Every week one pair will be performing a skit on a bible story to the rest of the class.”
I’m not sure if he was just lazy, but when he announced the project, I distinctly remember my first thought being, “why can’t he just teach it himself?” If we did well apparently we’d get munchkins and if we did bad, then well I’m sure our parents would hear about it and that would defiantly not equal the munchkiny goodness that we so desired. In addition, Ryan Vanderland had joined our class. Ryan Vanderland- object of my teeny-bopper desire. He had a lazy eye so Danielle and I could never quite tell who he was talking to, but man, when he learned to restrain his iguana-like tendencies, he was a cutie.
Next Sunday Danielle and I came equipped to perform the Good Samaritan. We schlepped into the classroom carrying plastic shopping bags full of costumes and Mcdonalds ketchup packets serving as fake blood. Danielle was going to be the injured man on the side of the road, and I would play everyone else.
Shes never been the daring one out of our pair, although I’ve won over her parents in the past decade, back then I was a “bad influence”. I’m not sure how much influence a 4th grader can have on another 4th grader, but studies show crack cocaine usage in the 2nd grade is up 15%. The Baptist church is like one 136 person game of telephone. It starts out with my mother saying,
“Oh, Jessica…she took a piece of gum from my purse.” Before the sermon is over I’m wanted in the tri-state area for robbing a candy store. The bottom line is that I wasn’t really a bad kid, however, the adjective “imaginative” was used in conjunction with my name often.
At any rate, when I showed Danielle her spot on the orange Berber carpet, she protested because (God forbid) she wrinkle her dress. There was no convincing her that a person who had just been robbed and beaten would not be sitting upright in a folding chair with her hands politely placed on her lap. I made the executive decision that I would be the injured guy. Danielle protested because she claimed that she didn’t know the lines. Which sounded quite ignorant to me at the time because what kind of ninny couldn’t just make up something? In the end we switched because I would have no such nonsense.
The skit started, Danielle grabbed the wiffleball bat, and headed towards me from the other side of the room, narrating as she approached. It hadn’t occurred to me that when Danielle came along to beat me up, she was going to spurt ketchup all over me. That Wednesday my Mom had taken me to the Limited Too, and bought me a new white dress. It was very twirly, most excellent I must say. When I had thought up the ketchup idea, I didn’t really care if I gobbed it up on Danielle, but her ruining my dress is an entirely different story altogether.
I tried to get her attention by waving my arms, anything short of smoke signals. She paid no heed. All I got was weird looks from Ryan, or maybe Danielle was getting weird looks, who really knows? As she came closer and closer I realized- man, she was going to cover me in ketchup.
Not Cool.
The whole moment went by very fast, it was like watching a car accident. In the end not only had my dress been ruined but she’d thought it would add a little something if she had put some ketchup in her had and smeared it on my face. Ketchup flowing through your respiratory system is never a pleasant experience. In a sporadic act of retaliation I smacked her in the face with a Bible. I didn’t think I’d hit her with much force, but she threw herself into hysterics claiming to need an ambulance, which made me want to hit her again because really, who says that?
Mr. Bachelle bounded from his chair, removed the Bible from my iron grip, and assured Danielle that no permanent damage had been done. He also tried to make some sort of joke regarding Marsha Brady but I didn’t think it was very funny at the time. We were both promptly exiled to the adult Sunday School class for the remaining time. This was unprecedented. Mr. Bachelle had threatened such a source of action, but there had never been a follow through.
The moment Danielle and I slipped into the adult Sunday school, every head turned in our direction. Depending on the individual we either got a smirk or a gasp of concern.We looked like we’d just Red Badge of Courage’d ourselves out of a war. Conveniently our parents were sitting next to each other, they covered their confusion with apathy as Danielle and I sat ourselves down into the cold metal folding chairs and exchanged looks.
How can you exchange a look with someone who you just smacked in the face with a Bible because she sprayed you with ketchup during the performance of the Good Samaritan…and not laugh.
We nearly got kicked out of the adult Sunday school class too.
That was the day my mother taught me the meaning of irony, and she suggested that I do the skit over. It wasn’t really a suggestion of course; the next Sunday the second performance went quite smoothly. Danielle and I were discussing “back in the day” on the way to blockbuster last week and Ryan Vanderland came into the conversation. How unfortunate that he moved to Texas not long after starting at Calvary Baptist, he was a military brat, so he wasn’t around for long.mainly I learned that physical abuse with a holy text is never the answer.

I've Been Bamboozled!

2005-09-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Yes. its true.
Man, today sucked royally.
I got this fabulous new shirt, white with lace and such.
I wore it out one single time, and it wasn't even for that long, after wearing it I had just discarded it onto my floor, being the slob I am. What can I say... I consider my disregard for organization to be an endearing quality.
Last night I grabbed it up off my floor and threw it in "the knit cycle" (I never knew there was such a thing! Most excellent.)
When I took the load out of the dryer this morning I was in a huge rush, I'd taken more time than I had intented loitering over my coffee and had forgotten to print out my english paper that was on a floppy disk that holy crap I had no clue as to where it could be.
Whatever so I get everything together, didn't even have time to go to my room and change, I just got dressed in the office, and was out the door.
I get halfway to class and wouldn't you know...
theres a hole in the front of my shirt.
It looks like a faux belly button.
Ugh.
Then! I look closer and there are stains...all over it!
I dont recall ever being drunk or drinking, but who even knows because I don't have a clue as to how they got there.
The magical stain fairies and hole elves must have come and attacked my shirt.
After the initial unhappiness I got over it, and tried to convince myself it looked vintage.

Later today I get to work, the last place I wanted to be.
I so passionately did not want to be there that I actually considered quitting,
then i realized how foolish that was and I just pouted.
I'm very unattractive when I pout...or at least thats what my mother tells me.
At any rate I was seriously bamboozled, somebody walked there little selves into my store and stole apx. $1000.00 worth of merchandise.
Which honestly is crappy for me because, essentially my job is to guard the front of the store, I'm that annoying girl who follows you around asking if you need anything.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, so I guess I didn't deliver "EXCELLENT CUSTOMER SERVICE!" or whatever chipper nonsense they want me to do.
Ignorant people.
Eh, sorry I'm not feeling particularly sarcastic today my pop culture references are lacking.
I have an excellent anticdote about some idiot who came into the store the other day that'll probably be my next post. Be excited

I Have A Dream...

2005-09-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

Man.
Last night I had a dream that gas was $1.00.
Thats frickin sad, I'm sorry but there are much better things I could spend my dreams on, one of them being an all-year round Ritas.

I still wish I had a flying carpet-
then I wouldn't have to buy gas.

P.S. I totally got facebook, poke me!

Silly Geese!

2005-09-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

After hours at work we have to go through all the clothes, sizing etc... which is actually the best part of the shift because their are no jerk-face customers who ravage through your perfectly sized piles and leave heaps of inside-out clothes in the dressing room. Oh, and why is it so hard to take the clothes you tried on out of the dressing room? I try to use my volcom mind control to will you into picking up after yourself, but it doesnt work.
What kind of slob are you that you can't simply hang up clothes and walk 3 feet with them so you leave the dressing room looking like some natural disaster ripped through. Do you all not realize that we 'sales associates' remember these things about you, how are you not embarassed to go back into the store again?
Leave me comments on the topic.

Anyway back to what I was saying, while we were cleaning up the store trying to figure out what a C.S.L could possibly be (I concluded that its a Capitalist Loving Stuff)
I heard one of my male colleagues randomly declare out of my line of sight
"I love Laguna Beach!"
Me: *from the other side of the store* What guy just said that?
*silence*
Me: Reveal yourself!
Matt: Me, I love that show
Me: Ugh
Matt:Don't you?
Me: No
Matt: So, your one of those...
Me: One of those people who are sick of seeing beautiful rich people trapse around my TV? Yes...yes I am, I see too much of that nonsense in real life. I want to see ugly poor boring people on TV, I demand the production of a show about those who are ugly homeless and old. That would be most excellent.
Matt: Ugly poor boring people? Go watch this season of Real World.
Me:Touche'

I love Real World, well not last season they were so dull, but in general I do.
I agree with his sentiment -but that Danny kid (who got his eye punched out, and whose Mom died) fricking makes the show. You gotta feel bad for the kid.

Ahh I have yet to write about my first week of college, read me tommorrow lovelies.

Why Isn't Life Like Mashed Potatoes?

2005-09-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

My first day of class! I had to write this in an hour but I thought it turned out well for a spur of the moment paper...

Jessica B...
Eng 121-096
Professor G...
Why Isn't Life Like Mashed Potatoes?

Quinessential New Jersey suburbia is completely underrated, especially in the fall when the color pallette changes and kids are going back to school. The neighborhood I grew up in was tireless, kids on bikes and skateboards created a mobile obstacle course for all drivers. Constantly annoying my Mom when she had to navigate her blue mini van home to the best house ever. When I went back to visit it recently I couldn’t believe how small it was. Barn house red with a daffodil-lined walkway leading up to the front porch. Whoever currently lived there had taken down the porch swing, how unfortunate for them.

When my parents unexpectedly announced over dinner that we were moving out of the best house ever, to what was defiantly not the best house ever, my eleven year old mind was boggled. They were ripping my heart out and doing the Mexican hat dance on it.

Luckily I'd learned at an early age that arguing with your parents is undisputedly the most counter productive activity any individual can engage in. I believe that this knowledge granted me at least a month of life that cumulatively would have been spent in my room. I stared at my mashed potatoes, using my fork to make little canals while deciding on a plan of action.
Potatoes are a funny thing; I never really saw them as being a vegetable therefore making them entirely acceptable dinner food. But what’s really cool is the fact that you can smash them, draw faces, and create various landscapes then erase it all and start over. If only life was like mashed potatoes. You see, I’ve always been an avid reader, giving me ridiculous ideas that were executed with very little thought. My mother is a tremendously stressed individual. If life had been like mashed potatoes on that fall day I could have hit my rewind button on life’s VCR on the way to the emergency room.

When I drove back to see the best house ever, 7 years after the day I’d moved. (Fondly nicknamed Dooms Day, it was January, and that very day was the start of a huge blizzard. I’d been convinced it was a sign.) The first thing I did was gaze through the rusty chain link fence and look up at my beloved tree house. My Dad, Uncle and Grandfather had spent many long Saturdays slaving over their project while I watched and gave directions. Eventually they got tired of my dictatorship and made me go garage saleing with my grandmother on Saturdays.
I’m an expert at convincing my parents to do what I want, with minimal effort. After reading Swiss Family Robinson I was sure I would not be able to go on with my life without a tree house. So I crusaded for my cause. I got out paper and spent hours creating the blueprint to my perfect treehouse. I wrote down all the supplies I would need, and even estimated the cost, trying to figure out if I could pay for it out of my allowance. Conveniently I’d concluded that we would only need wood, nails, a hammer and curtains, all for the low, low price of fifteen dollars. Provided everything was on sale, as well as taking into account that we already had a hammer. I put out some cookies, sat down my parents and began my presentation.

My Dad was an easy target, however my Mom was worried that I would fall climbing down, resulting in a long yellow slide protruding from the left side.

When it was completed, I covered it with crepe paper and announced the grand opening. I think briefly I’d named my treehouse Wednesday, however my friends had informed me that any tree house named Wednesday was stripped of all dignity, and why was I naming my treehouse? Officially it was named Jessica the Second, if anyone said they didn’t like that name then I would have to take personal offense, who is going to tell me my own name is stupid?

The two years after the birth of Jessica the Second were excellent. I assembled a bookshelf for myself and would sit up in Jessica the Second every afternoon. I even tried installing a lamp behind my Mom’s back, using 4 extension cords. Apparently that’s not so good if it rains, who knew?

Watching my ‘juvenile’ (I was homeschooled, my Mom stopped the vocabulary lessons after it got to the point where she never wanted to hear the word juvenile again) little brother play with his refrigerator box, popping out with excessive glee every so often, proclaiming that he’d scared us all, caused me to roll my eyes and shake my head with such dramatics that eventually I was forbidden from doing that as well. For fear my face would “stay like that”

7 years later, Jessica the Second had been stripped of its glory. A faded Italian flag was draped over the entrance, and the wood had started to warp to a dingy gray. I realized that after we moved, my escapades had essentially come to a close. Although during my childhood I’d had more than my fair share of trips to the doctor, in fact I’d been something of a hypochondriac. (Again, too many books) My most recent was the day I’d found out we were moving.

I went on strike.

There was no way I was leaving behind the best house ever and Jessica the Second. I would have no such ignorance, clearly my parents heads had been filled with nonsense by the television or something. After dinner that night I promptly brought out a warm blanket, pillow and food provisions outside, prepared to stay up there for as long as it took. Going to the bathroom had crossed my mind as a potential problem, so I sent the boxes of grape Juicy Juice flying down the slide and watched them sink into the pile of leaves I’d raked in front of the bottom of the slide.

It also occurred to me that I should have made signs of some sort to picket with. Oh well.

It took approximately two hours for my parents to realize I was gone. However I’ve always had a skewed sense of time perception when I’m bored, so in reality it could have been 10 minutes. At any rate, they marched out of the house and wearily asked what I thought I was doing.

“I’m not moving.” I announced, using as firm of a voice as I could muster.
My parents shrugged and walked back inside the house.

I must say this was the most confusing moment of my childhood. They’d never done this before! What the heck…they are going to leave me here? To sleep?

I panicked. Racking my brain for something, anything that I could possibly do to affect these people. I needed shock value, and fast because I was getting cold. Then it came to me, my epiphany. The stupidest thought I have ever had.

I swung myself upside-down on the rope ladder that I used to climb into Jessica the Second. Hanging by my knees, my head dangling about 5 feet from the ground. Clearly that was the most prudent thing to do. As I stared my parents in the face I felt the blood rushing to my head, and saw the blood rushing to theirs as well. They had defiantly been thrown for a loop, no doubt about that.

“If you don’t promise we won’t move, then I am going to drop myself onto my head.” Obviously I lived by the theory that I was invincible. My parents tried to decide whether or not I was bluffing.

“And don’t say we won’t move so that I’ll get down, but then we move anyway. Because then you are a liar and then I can lie whenever I want.” I added.

William and Christine Beckett are really very nice people, they are well liked and they are fabulous parents. But good ol’ Bill and Chris gave each other looks, trying to find an answer. But they were taking to long. I felt dizzy. They say it’s not the fall that hurts, but it’s when you hit the ground. They’re right.

Now I have a bump on my lip where it had hit a rock and split open. You can’t really see it anymore, after 14 it wasn’t visible. Thank God, because it looked like a zit.

Who Doesn't Love the Beach?

2005-09-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

My parents left for the beach house early Friday morning, leaving me with the house to myself for the weekend. I'd asked Danielle to stay a few nights, but she deserted me to baby-sit her niece and nephew in Connecticut. Staying in my house all alone for 3 days wasn't at all appealing to me, so 5 am Saturday morning I packed my stuff and made record time going down.
I havn't had time to crap lately (much less blog about it) so a weekend of nothingness is always appreciated.
Crack of dawn I was ready to leave for NJ. Even though they are anti-morning people, my grandparents had come out to the car to see me off, which was excellent because I got some cash and directions.

Poppop: So when you get off the bridge don't take the first turn keep going and take the second turn. Because if you take the first turn you'll end up in Philadelphia.
Me: Uhm..Ok. With my luck I'll end up in Philadelphia anyways

**Now, my grandmother's mother(Mommom J) is still alive, and my grandfathers mother (Mommom B) recently died. My great grandmother's houses are about 10 minutes from each other, and we havn't sold Mommom B's house yet, and we've been spending a great deal of time there lately.

Amie: Well if you end up there, just call your grandmother
Poppop: Uhm. I dont think anyone will answer
Amie: Bill! I obviously ment the one that is not dead. *Laughs at Poppop*
Poppop: I'm going to go get some coffee...

It sounds awkward but it was really very funny.
Maybe you had to be there...

So Long Sweet Summer

2005-09-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

My summer is fleeting, wasn't I just throwing my graduation cap up into the air? and listening to that ridiculous Brittany Komack make her last speech.(thank God)
You know its been a good summer when your pennies are all stuck to the bottom of your cupholders from all the melted Ritas build-up. Not just any pennies, but the only money to your name. Those pennies are my only asset. Managing to go for the whole summer without ever finding employment was an accomplishment at the very least. However I had an excellently apathetic summer...and you can't beat that.

I didn't find the summer love I'd hoped for, quite the opposite in fact, yet I was quite content living vicariously through my friends. Isn't everyone?

The house Upstate is officially gone forever having been purchased by Bob and Sue. I didn't realize how sad I would actually be about that. I've been going there since I was in the womb, and I can't tell a lie, I got a little weepy when I heard it was sold. But I got to take a knome out of th garden, and I named it Colby. (its axe wielding)
My Dad is back living with us (yeah again) -mixed emotions on that subject. All I know is that there is now excessive amounts of halfway assembled Ikea furniture laying around. My toe has been stubbed one to many times.

I discovered Gabe, a guy I've known since I was 10, and had only exchanged pleasantries with for the past 8 years. Who knew he was actually cool? He's passionate about Taco Bell, and dates one of my best friends. What more can you ask for?

I never finished my novel, actually I've more or less abandoned it for the time being in order to pursue a better storyline Gabe and I are corroborating on. Perhaps we'll set up a seperate blog for it.

Class of 2005, I will miss you all...expect me to come crash your dorms during my nationwide college tour (coming soon to a blog near you)

Tommy: Did ya hear I finally graduated?
Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too...alriiight.
Tommy: Ya know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know. They're called doctors.
-Tommy Boy

"Ritas or Bust"

2005-09-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry to deny you an original blog by Jessica, however I was going to blog about this but Gabe beat me to the punch.
So here is Gabe's account of Sunday night.

"Rita's Italian Ices, what's the matter with these people?

Jessica and myself in order to avoid having to be in the nursery at our church for an excessive amount of time decided we'd go on a fast food run and our route was outlined as such: Taco Bell, Burger King and Ritas Italian Ices.

After a little confusion at Taco Bell and a hullaballoo at Burger King our trip seemed over and i was sad, but then jessica remebered.

Jessica: Ahhh, we forgot Rita's
me: very well then, TO RITA'S!!!
Us: arrive at ritas
Jessica: Ok, Danielle (still back at the nursery) likes root beer with vanilla custard, so you stand in that line and i'll stay here and we'll see who gets there first
me: Um... What's vanilla custard?
Jessica: **walks over to me; Gabe you're hopeless.

So after a ruckus made by the soccer mom in front of us about her ice cream not being the right consistancy or some nonsense it was our turn.

Jessica to cashier: Ok, I'll have a rootbeer with vanilla custard and ummm... a brownie gelati.
me: (I'm paying for all this of course) What? She's going to eat two?
Jessica: No, the brownie is for me
me: Brownie's are supposed to be warm and fudgy
Jessica: psh, noo
me: Whatever

I figure since everyone else is getting one I might as well so i get a lemon ice, after the girl looked at as funny we finally got our order straight and marched off. It was a good 85 degrees that day so jessica gets a brilliant idea.

me: I dont see what the point of this is, they're just going to melt
Jessica: NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!!!

She turns on the air conditioner full blast, and that is one hell of an air conditioner. It was so cold in the car that it fogged up in the car. It didn't help, the ices melted anyway.
So we arrive at church and begin our march to the church with all our food and make our way into the nursery and start passing out the food to Danielle and Kait.

Kait: Thank god
Jessica and me: yes, lets eat (everyone starts eating, except Danielle)
Danielle: Where's my Diet Coke?
Jessica and me together: HMPH? (with bits of Gordita and Chicken Fry flying out of our mouths)
Danielle: Yea, all i wanted was a Diet Coke, i told you guys before you left
Me: WHAT? the whole reason we had to endure Jessica's car/meat locker was because we thought you wanted Rita's, man we could've just gotten you a soda at Burger King with smurfette
Danielle: (reaches over for the coke with my chicken fries meal) Psh, well, i got a soda now

So that night, I found myself one soda short and me and Jessica learned a lesson, from now on, we buy food for no man and never again will we go to Rita's Italian Ices."

___________________________________________

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"
-Alice in Wonderland

Can't Touch This

2005-08-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I'm fluffy.
Apparently.

Not fluffy like a dog
...or a cloud.
"I write about fluff, my writing is fluff."
this is what I've been told.

I'm assuming I should resent that (you know what happens when you assume)- yet I don't, simply because my last post was devoted to my on going crisis on how to cut my hair, and the post before that contained a picture of a smurf.

I am blatantly fluffy.

Don't go searching though my comments for the perpetrator because this was mentioned to me in the magical world of 3 dimensions.

I've come to a decision, I find writing about fluff to be enjoyable.
On the flipside I want to challenge my skills. Because lets face it, im spite of my amazing numchuck skills, my writing skills can always be improved.
Plus it's great for the guy-catching process, I can be flirty/retarded/stammer in public, but go read my blog and whoo boy.
Ain't she smart?

(Thats rhetorical, by the way)

Help Me.

2005-08-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

I cannot decide, I'm very bored of my long and brown hair. I want change. I was thinking chin length choppy with bangs blonde hair?
Opinions / comments would be appreciated.

Say Hello to My Little Friend...Smurfette

2005-08-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

Gabe and myself decided to go on a fast food run, after a bit of confusion at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru, I was content with my Cheesy Crunchy Gordita goodness- and we proceded over to the Burger King.

Drive Thru Lady: Can I help you?
Me: *mouthfull of mexican ruffage* What do you want Gabe? *Gabe blocks spewage of shredded lettuce*
Gabe: Uh *mumble*
Me: What are you saying? You just tell her
Gabe: *screams* I WANT THE CHICKEN FRIES MEAL
Me: *deaf*
Total: $4.59
Gabe handed the cashier $5.00
Weren't we surprised when she handed us the reciept and literally a stack of singles?

Gabe: Why am I getting bills back?
Me: Maybe your the customer of the day...
Our surprise quickly turned into bewilderment, we drove up to the exit and looked over the receipt.
Realizing that we'd actually made $5.00, our options were just drive away, or give it back.
Giving it back seemed to be the nice thing to do...
However, we got a bit sidetracked.

Gabe: Ha!
I looked, and there it was on the receipt-
Cashier: Smurfette

I kid you not.

Gabe: Its Smurfette! Like the little blue men!
Me: Maybe shes like Princess Fiona in Shrek, except instead of turning into an ogre at night, she turns into a smurf!

Oh the Irony

2005-08-22T06:32:00.000-07:00

Lets go back...way back-
to June.

When I was carelessly late for the train to NYC. As I got into a passionate verbal arguement with the parking machine my train pulled up. I had to make a split second decision, wait for the 10:30 train or just not pay for my beloved spot #679.
True to character I chose the latter.
My friend and I boarded the train and took our seats. Across the isle a tawdry middle-aged woman looked at us, smiled a toothless grin and asked,
"Do either of you have a safety pin?"
"No, sorry." we replied.
"I've had these jeans since I was 15," I didn't doubt it. "And they chose just now to give up on me! The day I wore a G-string too..."
What can you do but nod?
Nothing...you can do nothing.

So as the train pulled away we called my friends Dad who came and paid the parking fee about 15 minutes after we left the station.
When I came back later in the day, I had gotten a parking ticket- apparently in the time between the train leaving and my friends father arriving.

Dirty. Jerks.

I decided that in light of their excessive jerk-ness I was going to fight the ticket.
So let me bring you back to this week.

It was when I was forced to wake-up before God that I realized how ridiculous fighting this ticket was and what a waste of my time it would inevitably become, so in honor of the fact that life is too short to sit in court (hey that rhymes)
I just decided to pay it.
Although apparently you still have to go to the court house to do that.
When I rolled in, I noticed that the parking lot was, not unlike the Grinch's heart- 2 sizes too small. (Coincidence? I think not)
Everyone was mulling around like little ants, hunting for a spot- one guy decided to simply park his car along the edge of the lot. Of course being the sheep we are... everyone else followed suit.

I was one of the last in line, lucky me.
Despite the fact that I was really cutting the whole 50 ft. from the stop sign rule really close, I parked in front of the malibu anyway.
My thought process was simple.
Who gets a parking ticket at traffic court?

Waiting for the imbisol of a worker to run my ticket through, I saw the drummer from my church- apparently he got a speeding ticket on the way to church.
Oh the irony.
So things went smoothly paying for the ticket, I left very content with myself.
Walking out of the building I noticed 2 things...
1. That the malibu behind my car had been replaced with a Jeep which was literally about 2 inches from my bumper. A Suburban had parked in front of me, again about 2 inches away. My car was in a parking headlock. I was about ready to call in the Gadget Mobile when the second thing occured to me.
2. There was now about 5 policejerks strutting with much glee in perfect V formation towards my car.
the mission impossible theme song started playing in my head
I quickened my pace, momentarily the owner of the suburban, a heavy woman in dainty heels- she looked like an upside-down pyramid- came clicking over.
You know how some little kids put so much effort into running, but they really don't really get anywhere.
Yeah-that was her.

I glanced over at one of the police officers and exchanged a smile. It was a lovely moment- especially because I'm pretty sure those policejerks were dumber than a rocks and the suburban lady provided an adequate distraction to make him forget why they came over in the first place.

100 Things About Me

2005-08-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry my blogging was lagged...but no fear Jessica is here.

1. Cereal is my favorite food
2. I don't understand people who don't like cereal
3. I believe in God
4. I believe God comes before cereal, however in that moment I was hunkerin' for some cereal
5. I believe acceptance of God's salvation is the only way to have true happiness
6. Pink is my favorite color
7. My phone doesn't have any special downloaded ringtones
8. I have 3 younger siblings
9. My nails are real
10. I used to have a space in between my 2 front teeth
11. They called me GapKid
12. So I got braces soph. year of high school
13. I got them off
14. and now I have a still have a smaller space between my teeth
15. I don't look like Madonna though because I have very small teeth to begin with
16. I've had 11 jobs since freshman year of high school
17. I have ADD
18. I worked at a health food store for a year and a half
19. I've never been fired
20. I'm scared to death of spiders
21. and the dark
22. but not snakes
23. I hate the snow
24. and precipitation in general
25. because I'm short the bottom 7 inches of my pants are always wet,
26. and I think that looks stupid.
27. I wish I had freckles
28. I dislike randomly running into people from high school
29. even when I was in high school
30. I was a vegetarian for a year and 8 months.
31. I've used the same laura ashley sheets since I was 5, they are at their peak softness
32. My family has a newsletter, which I publish monthly
33. -it's called Welcome to the Monkey House
34. I have an aunt who is 2 years older than me
35. She's from guam
36. or someplace in that region
37. I didn't have a sweet sixteen
38. I like Taco Bell despite its dirtyness
39. My parents have never met one of my boyfriends-
40. Ever.
41. Most of the time I'm as close, or closer to my Grandparents then I am to my Parents
42. I am not self-sufficent
43. I could be if I tried
44. But I don't feel like trying
45. I'm lazy
46. I signed up for peace corps. because I was bored
47. I'm still waiting to hear back from them
48. I'm not patient
49. I don't try to be.
50. If you think I'm selfish & materialistic you don't know me
51. I'm actually a Republican & Capitalist
52. If you think I'm bossy than your an idiot
53. I like George Bush
54. I think Dick Cheney is a funny name
55. I am not a mature individual
56. some say im responsible
57. no one says im mature
58. I'm a Toys R Us kid
59. I dislike horseback riding
60. as well as horses
61. I'm am somewhat of a genius
62. My IQ is 131
63. If people ask me my IQ, and in honor of being polite I ask what their IQ is- theirs is always between 132-135
64. Funny how that works out
65. My favorite TV show is the Cosby Show
66. I can relate anything to the Cosby Show
67. I have big feet
68. Dolce & Gabbanna: Light Blue is my signature scent
69. I love making documentaries
70. I'm an avid reader
71. When I was 9 I won 3rd in a nationwide Art Contest sponsored by Caldores
72. I got a really big teddy bear
73. But its head ripped off
74. Caldores shut down
75. I like fads.
76. I've owned furby and tamagotchi
77. collected milkads, POGs, beanie babies and pokemon cards
78. isn't that sad?
79. Chinese food is amazing
80. I throw many social gatherings every year
81. by social gathering I do not mean free beer
82. civilized social gatherings
83. I'm awesome at solitare
84. I'm also fabulous at texas hold 'em
85. I won $350 playing texan hold 'em once
86. usually I let the guys win
87. those particular guys were dirty jerks
88. after I played they were poor dirty jerks
89. I was a published author at 9.
90. I've watched Full House since I was born
91. My style icon is Ashley Olsen
92. I think Lindsay Lohan looks better Blonde
93. I love classical music
94. as well as anything with a piano
95. When I lived in my old neighborhood I would make money by painting pictures and selling them door to door to my nieghbors
96. I've never gone Trick-or-Treating
97. My Mom's birthday is on Halloween
98. My Dad and I were both born on Friday the 13th.
99. I'm a certified pro-marksman/marksman
100. Don't mess with me.

My Teacher Didn't like My Drawing of the Invisible Castle

2005-08-17T01:09:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow- well technically today- is my first day at my brand spankin' new place of employment. I had my spur of the moment orientation today where I met one of my co-workers, a very attractive specimen of the opposite sex.
A very attractive, and extremely well-dressed member of the opposite sex.
So well dressed in fact, that its very unclear what team hes batting for, causing my flirtation skills (as well as hormones in general) to be set in "deer-in-the-headlights" mode.
Lets face it, I have enough gay friends to help me pick out my clothes- however the only boyfriend I have is 'Bob the Boyfriend', and he's invisible.
Of course I realize straight men can dress nicely too, but even when straight guys have a fashion sense, they tend to put themselves together differently. Does that make any sense?
Well, we shall see.

Roosters have Most Excellent Timing

2005-08-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some most excellent Dashboard Confessional ("Hands Down"- specifically) and I admittedly had my stereo blasting at a high decibal level. Not so loud that my neighbors look out their windows as I pass saying, "That hooligan with her music loud! Teenagers today..."
Never the less it was pretty loud.
Usually I remember to turn down the music as I pull into the garage- apparently that must have slipped my mind.
Because when I got into the car this morning and turned on the ignition...

Lord have mercy.

It scared me so badly, I actually jumped out of the car.

I havn't been scared so badly since I saw the Sixth Sense at Debo's house. We had gone to bed around 3 am, and I was not aware that the girl had chickens in her backyard. That is not something I generally assume, maybe if we lived in Nebraska-

but we don't.

Just before daybreak (for those of you who don't know, thats when the chickens materialize from their slumber) I hear these faint noises coming from I don't know where, who knows anything at 4:30 am? Half in/half out of my spacey sleep-coma, chickens sounded like dead people.

I'm sorry but they did.

Ashley: Whats your problem go to sleep
Me: *whisper* I swear there are dead people in her backyard
Ashley: Their are no dead people, they are sleeping.
Me: *pulls off Ashley's covers* Yes! Listen!
*Ashley ignores me*
This must have been what Noah felt like telling everyone there was going to be a flood.
*I pull off everyone's covers*
Me: Guys, I totally hear dead people in Debo's backyard!
Debo: Holy crap your so dumb, I have chickens!
*rooster crows* (see? don't roosters have most excellent timing?)
Me: Oh. go back to sleep then.

That was 4 years ago, and I'm still not invited to go see scary movies.

I see dead people
- The Sixth Sense

Chew on this...

2005-08-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that mirrors in the gym make you look fatter.
Kind of like the mirrors in clothing stores make you look skinnier.
These shifty little executive grubbers at NYSC want to make you, the consumer, look as lardaceous as possible to keep you coming back.
I actually have no idea what I'm talking about...

I need sleep.

High-Ho Off to Psuedo-College I Go!

2005-08-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

In September I'll be entering the academic realm via Community College, due to the fact that Drexel decided I didn't need any financial aid. Way to screw the middle class.
I suppose my parents could have coughed up the $40,000 (per year), but its in the axe murder section of Philadelphia- I wouldn't have lasted very long anyway.

Not that I'm denouncing Community College, so don't leave me any nasty comments, but the looks of my social future are less then enticing.
I'll have the privledge of hanging out with Johnny Football who didn't get the recruitment he'd hoped for;
the spikey-hair cigarette in my mouth Gotti wannabe with the "I'm too cool for school because I drive a shiney red mustang with rims" attitude;
That girl who knows she can't handle real college and quite frankly doesn't want to but, "my high school sweetheart goes to Rutgers, so I've got to do something for the next 4 years";
Those kids who are just going to take over the family business someday, where they'll most definatly be a millionare, so why even bother;
then theres all the other random people. (like me)
I realize that all of these types of people also attend 4 year intitutions, however they are far more plentiful at Brookdale Community College. You should look foward to my future posts about the interesting people I'll have the pleasure of meeting. We shall all be enriched, lets face it, my material has gotten very weak as the summer has progressed.

Anyway, all I ever wanted out of college was a whole buttload of Ramen Noodles. They are the nectar of God and I'm looking foward to their most excellent noodlelly goodness.

Well you can do what you want to us, but we're not gonna sit here and let you bad mouth the United States of America!!!!
- Animal House

This is my dog...Dog.

2005-08-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

Gabe: If I had a dog, I would name it "Dog"
Me: How original...you would do it too.
Gabe: Yes. And if I had a second dog, I would name it "Dog number two."

This exchange reminded me of a previous conversation...

Josh: Good thing God created Eve to help Adam name stuff; if it had been just Adam, it would have been animal #1, animal #2...
then everything green would be grass. Trees would be- Big Grass.

I agree.

How Many Licks does it Take to Get to the Center of a Toostie Roll Pop... One More Thing the World May Never Know

2005-08-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

I'm quite miffed at the moment,
in fact I think it would be fair to say that my feathers are ruffled.
Myself, Gabe and my brothers went to the Taco Bell drive-thru, after using the appropriate drive thru etiquitte and social formalities, (there was most definatly no rudeness whatsoever)
I ordered myself a diet coke with no ice.
I drink diet coke because I think its ignorance on my part to consume unecessary regular coke calories when diet coke tastes better in the first place. Actually I'm more of a Pepsi girl, but thats besides the point.
(and no one go giving me that aspertame nonsense.)
I don't get ice because:
#1. I don't like the watery flavor after it melts
#2. Excessively cold beverage/frozen products make my front teeth hurt
#3. I get less of the soda that I'm paying perfectly good money for
Anyway...so the cretinous little taco bell boy with a 'tude hands me my diet coke...and it's only 75% full. Therefore completely nullifying (nullifying?) reason #3.
I don't consider myself to be hard to please, and in general I let little things go, -cry me a river build a bridge and get over it- but they just blatantly left a good portion of my cup empty.
If I wanted to buy something half empty I'd buy potato chips.
So I gave it back, using my please and thank-you's, he filled it, and we drove away.

Me: He gave me regular coke!
Gabe: Let me taste....no...thats diet.
Me: I don't know...
Gabe: Well its either diet Coke or regular Pepsi.
Me:Agh I can't drink something unidentifiable.

I've come to the conclusion that its half and half. The spiteful little punk probably topped it off with regular. Thats just my theory though.
The world may never know.

Do the Running Man

2005-08-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately skinny people run far faster than fat people.
Unfortunate for me that is.
I used a treadmill at the gym for the first time today, I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly had the urge.
I havn't been on a treadmill since Lauren decided she wanted to be a cheerleader, so around 2 am so Lauren, myself, and Sandra came to the conclusion it would just oh-so super fun to choreograph some cheerleading dances and watch Bring it On.
While Sandra and Lauren danced to a mix of Shakira and Christina Milian, I went into the other room to use the treadmill, not knowing what perils lay ahead.
Me: Sandra why wont it speed up?
Sandra: I don't know just keep pressing the button until it does.
Me: Ok
Suddenly..and most unexpectedly WHOOSH!!!
The freaking treadmill decides to mock me by going 2mph- 25 mph in 2 seconds. the best part is that her tread mill was against the wall, so after i've fallen I'm stuck on top of the running treadmill against a wall.
Excellent.
Me: *incoherent cries for help*
Lauren: Jessica, like, what are you dooinngg?
Me: *(*&*^&^%%$$#$*
Lauren walks in and pulls the emergency stop chord. I never anticipated a treadmill emergency before, so I was not even aware such a chord existed. Now I check for all emergency chords before boarding the excersise equipment.
Luckily Lauren's mother is a nurse so my wounds were bandaged quite nicely, as I was mocked profusely.

My problem with the treadmill, as well as running in general lies in the fact that when I run, its not my hamstrings or my abs that hurt.
It's my boobs that are flailing all over the place. I think it throws off my balance.

Regardless, I felt quite accomplished afterwards.
Yay for me.

The Tattoo and Botox Bunch...almost The Brady Bunch, but not quite

2005-08-08T01:34:00.000-07:00

Family Reunion in Delaware this weekend. One of those hooplahs where you meet those random crack-head 2nd cousins that you've only met one other time in your life.
One of my core principles is stick by your family.But these people are truely strange, and they've raised some of the brattiest little kids I've ever met in my life. If they won golden tickets, they would have been the first kicked out of the factory.
My grandmother's sister, "Princess Sandy", came from the west coast with Mark, her wimpy new husband. Shes got that guy whipped
I've only met Aunt Sandy one other time in my life, but I can tell you, her lips have never looked like that. No one's lips grow on their face quite like that. Geez.... Looks like we found Nemo.
Then theres Uncle Hap, hes a repo. guy. Interesting profession, I'm not sure if repossesing peoples cars and such requires a whole lot of customer service skills. Generally people arent happy when a bunch of guys come in the middle of the night and take away your car.
Sorry... you snooze you lose.
He's also a bail bondsman, car wash/gas station owner, owns 2 car dealerships, and dabbled in the restaurant industry until he discovered hiring your family as the wait staff probably wasn't the best idea. Only he knows what else he does, but God forbid you ask for his business card, you'll get a gift pack of 12.

So as soon as I was well informed on how to improve my Feng Shui, Aunt Patty (I think shes actually a cousin but whatever) suggested that all the kids go to the beach.
Which of course obligated all the adults to go to the beach.
It was 102 degrees, 89% humidity- and none of us had bathing suits. In fact, Aunt Sandy was in rhinestones and long sleeves.
All 30 of us trapes onto the beach, and I'm not gonna lie, people were looking at us like we were a bunch of looneys.
The kids all frolicked about with much glee,
The un-married/divorced women scanned the shore for some fresh meat,
The married women stood at the edge of the shore talking about Oprah,
The men-folk stood out on the boardwalk on their cell phone with work making faces and shaking their heads.

I fall into the second catagory, however Delaware isn't exactly South Beach so no luck. I'm destined to grow old and alone.
I'll leave you on that note, and I'll add more later. I'm tired.

Ignorance!

2005-08-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

What happened to Guys? Maybe I've been watching far too many John Cusack movies but aren't they supposed to be obliging, dauntless, loyal-yet jealous creatures mixed with endearing laziness and reluctance to put down the toilet seat?
Where is my knight in freaking armor?? What ever happened to chivalry and integrety??

Why is it that I now get to choose from a bunch of 5'4" metrosexuals who have more hair products than I do and a backbone the size of my pinkie.

The fact that is now politically correct for me to hold a door for a guy is absolutely ridiculous. It's not like im standing in front of the door helpless but if we arrive simultaneously it wouldn't kill him, and then to actually hold it open so it doesnt slam in my face. Therefore cancelling out the whole concept of opening it for me in the first place.

What is this girls asking out guys and holding 50% of the responsibility to "make the first move"
This is ignorance.

Where is my tall beefcake macho man? I'm not looking for
"Ooga Ooga me tarzan- you Jane. Fire good."

But please, allow me to have the best wardrobe of shoes in the relationship.

You know what else is ridiculous? Honking the horn to pick me up! The horn does not translate into a make-shift doorbell, and I promise I wont come out.
At least offer to pick up the check. I don't mind splitting it, but come with the intention to pay, and for the love of God don't go to the bathroom when the check comes. Thats just being cheap in the most grotesque way possible.

I highly dislike those extreme feminists. I have an appreciation for my right to vote, and my equality in general. But its just not fair that I have to have my period and be forced to go to Iraq. Its one or the other my friends.

One or the other.

Girls need to demand respect. Thats true feminism.

%$&@@$^

2005-08-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

Green means Go.

That is all.

Downfalls of Laziness

2005-08-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Robby's house is only a short walk from church, so Gabe and Robby- in need of a CD player decided to walk over, to their credit it wasn't exactly scortching out, but it wouldn't have been pleasant to meander over.

Robby: Want to walk to my house with us?
Me: No.
Me: Danielle do you want to walk to Robby's house?
Danielle: No.
Danielle: Why can't we just drive?

So Danielle and myself decided to put down the top (of my car) and drive behind Robby and Gabe at a walking pace.
You'll see us on Maury 5 years from now on the "So fat they can't even fit into their cars anymore" episode.

Anyway... so we hit a glitch in the plan when we got stuck at the everlasting traffic light, and they disappeared. Scotty must have beamed them to Robby's house because they were not anywhere to be seen.

Danielle: *on the cell phone* Where did you go??
Robby: *incoherant rambing*
Danielle: Give the phone to Gabe.
Gabe: Turn left on Andover Dr.

So we drive around, looking...looking...looking...
no Andover to be seen.

Danielle: I think I definatly know where Andover is. *trails off*
Me: So why are you keeping it a secret??

When we finally found them they were wet, well Robby was wet, he looked like he pee'd on himself and then stuck his head in a bowl of water.
Gabe was slightly damp- shall we say moist.

Me: Did you wet yourself?
Robby: No.
*subject change*

I'll forever wonder what I missed.

Pixie Sticks

2005-07-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lag in posting, and im working on a new layout...I had to delete my old one because for some reason it wouldnt let me post. No worries...bigger and better.

So nothing of worth has gone on this weekend.
I only have one piece of advice for you...

Never...under any circumstances, should you let yourself be pressured into snorting a pixie stick-not even the orange ones.

This is for several reasons...
1. It's so sixth grade
2. It was even stupid when it was cool (in 6th grade)
3. You're killing precious brain cells
4. Inevitably you'll look ridiculous, there is no situation where you're face will look that unattractive ever again.

...it might freeze that way!

In case your wondering, I myself did not snort a pixie stick...however at GV's house this afternoon, we were hanging out in the basement with RR. His sister brought down some pixie sticks, and RR proceeded to consume 500 grams of sugar.
In case your wondering, yes. 500 grams of sugar is excessive. RR started to slur his words.
He was drunken with sugar, it was a hard decision between sending him home before it really started to kick in, or to buy him another pack and document the night.

Kids Say the Darndest Things!

2005-07-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

This is my cousin Megan...

..isn't she cute?

I think so.

And so do you.

My Uncle just got a new job on Wall Street, and he's very excited.
He even did a jigg.
Not an irish jigg though...

because we aren't irish.

But a jigg nonetheless.

So Megan (his daughter henc the uncle-cousin relation) comes bounding up to me
Megan: HEY!
Me: Hi!
*Megan puts her hand on her hip diva-style, does that snobby lip-smack eye-roll combo* and says matter-of-factly...
Megan: My Daddy works at JP Morning and Cheese- *looks at fingernails* Where does your Daddy work?
Me: *attitude far better than hers* My Daddy is Extra Special President of the Strawberry Shortcake Association
Megan: *gasp*
Me: Furthermore he is also President of all things pink *nah-nah-nah*

After I said it I realized that more than likely she thinks my father is batting for the other team.
Not my intention.

Although clearly an added bonus.
.... making my Thanksgiving dinner funner by the moment.

2005-07-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

I love monday nights, solely for the Cosby Show marathon on Nick at Night. I've never met anyone who doesn't like that show- if not love it.
The only annoying thing about that show is when you near the end of the series, Rudy starts growing a girl-stache, Claire wears far too many pleated pants, and what does that SP button on Dr. Huxtable mean??

Top Reasons the Cosby Show Rocks...
10.Theo has a complete disregard for studying in High School, and constantly brings home D's. Infact his total lack of motivation is 1/7th of the shows plot. Yet the writers have no quams about sending him off to NYU. Sitcoms don't need to make sense.
9. All of the Huxtable children display a charming brand of stupidity that is hard to dislike...All clearly annoying without being corney...and I like it.
Actually I take that back...Vanessa can get on my nerves hardcore at times.
8. Lets face it, the people take a ridiculous amount of time to answer their door, and when they finally do get around to it, as they grab for the doorknob they converse about whoever is standing out there- therefore breaking all laws of sound travel.
7. Peter is quite possibly the best character ever cooked up by a TV show. His truley pathetic look is priceless, the fact that he's probably the Janitor on the set of "Thats so Raven" saddens me. He deserves his props. Hiding in the laudry basket...priceless.
6. Where did cousin Pam come from? Without warning she just shows up for no apparent reason. I thank my lucky stars they didn't turn the show into a 7th Heaven fiasco where someone moves in every week. (not that anyone even watches 7th Heaven anymore)
5. Claire Huxtable just is the shizznit. Uber graceful, lays the smackdown on Kenny and Elvin when necessary.
4. "Bud" my efforts to type it like Rudy says it proved to be futile. Buuuud.
3.
2.
1. Olivia is smarter than I am.

The Seven Year Itch

2005-07-24T17:53:00.002-07:00

GV, TR, RR, AD, DA, WB...etc.. all went to King of Prussia mall during my Phila. excursion. Upon arrival we spent alot of time debating on where to go, so we split up. In honor of my hatred towards Harry Potter they got some Harry Potter jellybeans, then we went into sharper image...the proceeding story cannot be worded in a way that makes it quite as funny as it actually was...but read on...
RR commences to play with the RC hover craft
GV: biznatch, wtf...stop this
RR: Its fun!

I am needless to say embarrassed to be seen with such a moron.
GV and I sit down in the massagy chairs and next thing I know, Robby starts blowing at Terry with the leaf blower

ME & DA: Stop this nonsense! Your knocking stuff over...STOP
*bad look from the salesperson*

Robby turns around and then blows up the leaf blower up some lady's skirt

!!!

It was that Marylin Monroe scene minus the sex appeal...and the holding down of the skirt.

Lady: *covers herself* "!@(&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;#(*@&"
Robby: Imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry...

And that is when the salesperson took the leafblower, set it down...picked up a chainsaw and massacred us all.

Kidding, but we did get kicked out of the Sharper Image

Your So Corney You DJ for the Ice Cream Truck

2005-07-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Philly was awesome, RR and GV met a cute girl...typical skinny blonde with over plucked eyebrows.
We kept running into her during free time, except RR didn't figure out her name until the day before we left.
Girl (Ashley): RR!!! *HUG*
RR: Heyy!! *looks at GV and myself over his shoulder..makes squishy face*

One day we had the following conversation...

Ashley: I live so far from everything! *takes out a piece of paper* My school is here *draws square on one side of the paper* My house is here *draws a square on the other side of the paper*
See how far apart they are???

*silence*
GV: Can I get a legend or something?

Jesus loved the outcasts.
He loves the ones the world just loves to hate.
And as long as there's a heaven, there'll be a failure to excommunicate.
The world just keeps you at an arm's length.
Every week you work up the strength to fight the flames that are hurled.
Let your faith shine right through.
You know it's the world
versus Jesus and you. It's disgusting, their priorities.
And how we're entrusting them with
authority.
Their gavel's gone down before they looked in your heart.
They finished this race(ism).
-Relient K-

No More Posts Until July 22nd: But heres the 1st chapter of my new book!

2005-07-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm going away to philly for a week... come back on friday!
Until then I leave you with the first chapter of my book (still needs to be edited for typos...bear with me.) If you've got some time.. click the little brown box on the right by the couter for the top blog rankings, it'll take 2 seconds and it'll warm my heart.
Thankss

What I Got (Chapter One)
Well, life is (too short), so love the one you got
'Cause you might get runover or you might get shot
Never start no static I just get it off my chest
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest
-Sublime

I wish I had a flying carpet.
Then I wouldn't have to pay for gas. Which seems like such a wasteful thing to spend money on, but I guess you could say that about anything.
My new air freshener is slowly being overtaken by the mind numbing scent of gasoline in the winter. The mango goodness dies a noble death. I roll up the window and turn up the music, hoping to drive out the stench. Jesus, the gas station attendant, has clearly forgotten about me. I'm getting a little anxious, not only because I'm inevitably going to be late for school, but when I was 9, one of my neighborhood friend's old brother told me that gas fumes kill your brain cells. Since I have no evidence debunking his claim, my only logical option would be to hold my breath.
My lungs are starting to burn.
Walking into school late gives me a sense of impending doom, the new attendance lady isn't the most pleasant person to start your day with. Clearly doling out 2-hour detentions to seniors with lame excuses for being late gives her a demented sense of pleasure. What else could bring satisfaction to a 50 year old, unmarried woman- with a slow metabolism. My Mom says you catch more flies with honey, with this woman it makes no difference. Unless you die- and she sees the carcass, flies and all, you have detention.
I carry my pink slip with pride all the way to first period English. Walking through the harrowed halls of Marlboro is like walking through an enormous bathroom. All of the floors and walls are tiled, ironically, only the bathrooms have brick walls. It's cold, uninviting, and you never really know your way around the whole place. Back in Freshman year I carried a map everywhere with me until Christmas break, its not that I was especially geeky, every freshman used one. My first week of High School I got brave and asked "The Doobster" a truely adorable senior that I happened to have a mini crush on, if he knew where E304 was. He said it was right next to the swimming pool on the 4th floor.
Theres no swimming pool, nor is there a 4th floor. In fact there isn't even a 3rd floor.
It broke my 13 year old heart.
As I schlepped into the classroom, apathy was rampant, I could feel it in my bones. This class was the standard group produced when any given 35 high schoolers are put into a room. Girl with lipgloss and compact, lanky kid who is in love with Lipgloss and compact Girl, the Slacker who comes into class every single day and says, "aww man we had homework?? She never said that!" emo boy with a 'fro, kid who smells like cigarettes that the teacher hates, burnout who smells like pot that the teacher hates even more than cigarette kid, fat girl who thinks she's a size 0, kid who blatantly stares into space and occasionally drools...then theres everyone else.
Unfailingly, each and every year English presents us with one of high schools finest pleasures- Shakespeare. Only high school administrators could be so portentous as to assume that adolescents will understand Elizabethan literature.
I have English at 8:30 AM every day, 17 year olds are zombies at 8:30. We can't be expected retain any information presented to us at such an ungodly hour. My neurotic teacher who daily wears a polyester pant-suit, (very Carol Brady) is making us listen to her read Hamlet aloud. I don't think it's physically possible to be able to focus on someone reading Hamlet to you...at 8:30. Personally, I enjoyed studying Oedipus far more than Hamlet, any story where someone stabs themselves in the eyes because they slept with their mom, is a good story. Listening to Mrs. Goldstein's impression of Polonius makes me want to gouge my eyes out as well, so I can relate.
I feel tapping on my shoulder,
"...Hey...Nat...Hey..."
Oh Chris.
Thanks to the alphabet, I've sat behind Chris Friedman in at least 2 classes every year. This year Mrs. Goldstein, being the sharp one she is, put Chris in back of me. Which is preferable to constantly looking over his dandruff-ridden head.
"What Chris?"
"Uhmm..ahh..well..." He could stammer forever if you let him, sometimes you need to knock the words out.
"Get there faster."
"Uhm,I just wanted to ask...uhm, do you have an extra pen?"
"What were you just tapping me with?"
"A pencil."
"Can't you use the pencil?"
"It doesn't have an eraser."
I don't want to be the one to crush the kid¡¦s spirit, so I¡¦m not going to point out that pens don¡¦t erase.
"Thanks Natty Batty."
I couldn't tell you why Chris refers to me as Natty Batty , he's just a little weirder than most.
Soon after Mrs. G started sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown the word "Graduation..." directed my attention back to the front of the room. I glanced down and noticed a blank peice of paper on my desk, if I wasn't interested in what G was telling us, I would be wondering how it got there.
"Write your name how you would like it to appear on your diploma." The first mention of graduation gave me chills, looking at my blank piece of paper seems almost symbolic.
"Do we write our middle names?" G looked at me like I had three heads.
"Just write your name, why is that difficult?"
"I know how to write my name, but are we initialing middle names, full names, or just first and last, can we be different and write our last name first- I need clarity."
G raised her eyebrow and gave me a jewish sneer,
"I don't care what you write."

Natalie Katelyn Friedrichs
Natalie Friedrichs
Natalie K Friedrichs
Choices, choices. G grabbed all the papers, stacked them in a pile and settled down in her cushy teacher chair with a copy of Newsweek. My class gravitated to the doorway eargerly waiting for the bell to ring, creating a stereotyped cluster. Corey's class is across the hall, I looked through the crowd at his doorway and spotted him.
He looks good today.
G looked occupied so I walked out into the hallway and called Corey over.
"Whazzupp Mr. C?"
"Friday...Bored." I would be lying if I said he's known for his comprehensive use of the English language. I can tell by his eyes that he needs to get out of this blue and gold tiled hell. Corey would never outright say he wants to cut school, it would be far too impetuous for his personality.
"I have a math test."
"Come back later and take it."
"I can take it tomorrow morning. Your hair looks quite nice today"
We sauntered down the hall, and kept going until we got out the steel framed doors, leaving an echoing slam behind us. Any other student would get multiple detentions for cutting, but I've never gotten caught, knock on wood. I texted my Mom, she would rather know when I leave school. She doesn't want sound like a clueless parent whose in denial when "Mrs. Friendly" from attendance calls to let her know I wasn't in class. The school thinks I'm a hypochondriac.
Climbing up the hill to the north lot, I pointed to my black SUV that was parked awkwardly, half on the grass, half in the lot, squeezed in 2 inches from the Honda next to it. It's not my fault they parked way too far right.
Corey started laughing
"I was late, there weren't any decent spots left." Opening the passenger door a thin layer of ice crackled and fell off. I slid through to the drivers seat, and blasted the heat. As I rumaged through old papers and water bottles for my new Jackie O. style sunglasses, Corey flipped through my playlists, settling on Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
"Tennis?"
"Prepare yourself to be annihilated" He's a dork, however I appreciate his sarcasm. The fact of the matter is, he's beat me maybe 10 times in the past 13 years. It doesn't make him insecure, but it gives me quite the ego boost, so we play a lot of tennis.
Corey and I have known each other since our Mom's met at M.O.P's when we were 4, with the exception of a brief hiadas due to cooties and peer pressure, we've been best friends ever since.
We stopped at my house so I could change, everytime I turn into my neighborhood, I have to laugh to myself. The first house on the corner is not only the ugliest house on the block, but they have a pig. A real pig, its huge, and named Bacon. They also have a winebego, a racecar, and topping it off, a refrigerator in their backyard. They are the exception to an otherwise classic New Jersey suburbia, content existing in their very own mini-ghetto. Passersby slow to observe them, like a tank of tropical fish at the dentist.
I unlocked the front door and walked in, nearly tripping over Megan's pink Barbie backpack.
"Where is she going?" Corey asked
"My Dads picking her up after school, then she's staying at his apartment for the weekend." Her backpack has been there since Tuesday. She started packing on Sunday.
"When was the last time she saw him?"
"I think he called 3 weeks ago." I kicked her bag to the other side of the door, tossed my school bag next to it, and headed for the kitchen. "Do you want food?"
"Sure." I tossed him a bag of chips from the pantry, he caught them and sat on the counter. "What about you?" he asked.
"What about me? Get off my counter."
"I wont; when was the last time you talked to your Dad." He looked at me with persistence, I knew he wasn't about to drop it.
"I don't know, since a few weeks before school started."
That sounds a lot longer when I said it out loud. "C, your butt is where I make food." He hopped down.
"Maybe you should call him."
I'll just pretend like I never heard that. My Dad made his decisions, if he wanted to talk, he'd call. Sometimes I wish he would call so I could hang up on him. I'd like to be able to say that my Dad loves me unconditionally like a parent should, but I'd be lying. He's a character like none other, to say the least. Everything he does he excells at, there are no hobbies, only obsessions. Admittedly, his laundry list of accomplishments is impressive,a top real estate broker in manhattan, black belt in karate, went to college on an art scholarship for photography, learned the guitar in 3 weeks, High School football and baseball captain, broke a bunch of track records in college, graduated in the top 5% with a double major from New York University. Failure is literally not an option.
There are alot of reasons why I hate going to the gym, too many to name. Yet here I am, running after a fuzzy neon green ball. I feel like its not real tennis if its played indoors, not that we can play outside considering the current winter temperatures, but we wouldn't even if it was summer. The nearest outdoor tennis court is at Holmdel Park, one of the coolest places ever for any little kid, next to six flags. Theres a farm equipt with all the standard farm animals, sheep, pigs and such. Not only that but between 10-4 on weekdays, 9-5 on saturday there are renactors mulling around in their bonnets and suspenders. The whole place is very historic, including the tennis court. Cruddy as can be, it isn't fenced in, so everytime we didn't return the ball, it would roll of into the woods. Two summers ago we knew it was time to find a court more conducive to Corey's lack in skill, when we ran out of tennis balls. Without any other options in that moment, we used a superball that I found looking if I had a tennis ball in my trunk. Unfortunately we had to take a trip to the vet when we knocked out a squirrel, those superballs are like missels. Don't worry though, Milton made it back to the woods with a mild concussion, a tough looking sports injury to impress all the squirrel ladies and a belly full of lucky charms.
So here I am, playing indoor tennis. As Corey serves the ball, I was suddenly feel 7 again, back at Holmdel Park with my Dad.
"I'm going to serve, make sure you hit to me, not all the way over to the the left." I noticed beads of sweat on his forehead, not to mention on my own forhead. We started playing mid-morning, now the afternoon sun was beating heavily on my back. Mom had put my thick brown, sun bleached hair into two long braids. Only serving to make me more irritable by laying lifelessly on my back and shoulders. My Dad tossed the ball above his head, with a sharp THWACK it came charging at me, seemingly at a million miles an hour. My mind went into overdrive, playing over my directions. Before I knew it the ball was charging to the far left and bouncing off of an old oak tree.
I hung my head, "Sorry Daddy." He looked over and glared at me, shook his head and pulled the last bullet out of his pocket.
"TOO ME!" He barked in my general direction, I could see his blood beginning to boil.
I bent my knees and looked at my new white tennis shoes, the tops outlined with pink ruffles from my mismatched socks.
THWACK
I focused all my attention to the ball, trying to slow it down with my mind, like I'd seen in Star Wars. Use the force Natalie. I closed my eyes and hit the ball with all my might, certain I had fired a straight shot, right too him. I listened for the sound of my Dad taking his shot back at me.
Waited.
I peeked opened one eye, and saw my Dad standing with his arms crossed, his raquet resting on the ground. It was then that I realized I was overcome with tiredness and the desire to be in air conditioning. All I wanted to do was lay on the ground alongside the raquet.
"Since you hit all the balls over there, you can go find them."
"I'm done I want to go home." I glared back at him, hoping to make myself as clear as possible. My lack of front teeth and braids mimicking the person I most repected, Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ; made it hard for me to gain respect through intimidation. Seeing his face morph into an even more unhappy expression made me try even harder to hold my ground, when really I was about to cry. He might be the boss of me, but he can't make me play a game if I don't want to.
His blue eyes pierced straight into mine, then they got so big that I thought they were about to fall out of his head.
"Go run and get the equipment! You're going play until you get it right! I didn't stand out here in 100 degrees for hours so I could leave with a daughter that still can't play tennis!"
I stomped my foot onto the black rubber with as much strength as I could muster. "I hate tennis! I hate it, and I wont play anymore!" I announced. Tears started coming up "I'm never going to hit the ball! Even if I'm here forever and ever."
I folded my arms across my chest, and shifted one hip out to the side while my Dad ran into the woods to collect all the balls. Steam was coming out of his ears, his veins were popping through his arms. I was unsure what was about to happen. He clenched a bullet in his hand and held it up for me too see.
"Now your GOING to hit this ball and we will NOT be leaving until you do." He growled
I continued to cry and I could feel my eyes getting puffy. I nodded and wiped off my cheeks with the back of my sweaty hand. Unsure wether I was wiping off sweat or tears. He jumped into the serve, the ball shot with such speed and precision towards my head that I had to jump out of the way.
"Come On HIT THE BALL!!" He screamed.
"I dont want too anymore" My words were nearly unrecognizable, broken up with sobs. I dropped my raquet and as I scrambled to have a chance he served one after another, after another, without hesitation.
"You know what you aren' t going to get this because you quit, I'm wasting my time." He threw his raquet at me and I ducked out of the way. As I picked up our weapons and headed to the car, I felt so small, and so defeated. He caught up to me and thrust the two canisters of bullets into my arms as he past. My 7 year old arms were unable to support such a large load, the bullets scattered around the parking lot. Still sobbing and sniffleing, I struggled to pick up the equipment. My Dad pulled up next to me and watched for a few minutes before he finally got out and scooped up all the balls and threw them into the car. I climbed into the front seat and rode the whole way home in complete silence.

Hot Puss

2005-07-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

This is dedicated to menj...because "Hot Puss rocks!"

After emergency arm-pit surgery (not kidding, apparently it was quite painful) AK finally had his graduation party, of which Danielle and myself attended the tail end.
You know whats the worst... when you sit on a wet lawn chair, and then you have stripes of wetness on your ass.
Anyway... since by the time I got there everyone but our core group had left, we went down into the basement.

A few interesting conversations went down as I played *lost* pool...

AK's 9 year old sister: LEAVE ME ALONE!! *talking to some other little kid who I could not identify*
Other Kid: NO!
AK's 9 year old sister: LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU!!
AK: *eye roll* *head shake*
ME: So I guess you don't worry about keeping the boys away?

I havn't spent much time with his sister, but I would like to have her spend as much time as possible with my 9 year old sister.

So here's where I make a fool of myself.
Dane: So you like death cab for cutie?
For the record I do like death cab for cutie quite a bit, in fact I have apx. 25 of their songs on my ipod. However all of their songs seemed to escape me...it was like there was a temporary gliche in my indie music files...

ME: Yeah their awesome!
Dane: Whats your favorite song?
*neurons working*
ME: Uhm..
*ahhh brain fart...silent but deadly*
ME: Whats that one about the photographs?
*phhhsstttppp*
Danielle: An Ant
ME: No I don't like that song... *keeps mumbling*
Danielle: *interrupts my incoherent piecing together of brainfart* No theres actually an ant on your leg...
ME: Oh.
Then I tried to explain myself....further sounding like a retard.
ner. ner.

and I will leave you with the final interesting conversation....

MG: HEY IM, MOON EVERYONE!
IM: Ok.

Top Stupidest Things My Family Has Done: The Time My Dad Got Brought Home by the Police

2005-07-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

Yup...another upstate story...I swear these people are smart when seperate...

When I was 12 my two Uncles and Dad decided to build a kayak, this didn't really interest me much until they came home from their test run...

Two days after construction had started in the shed, they came bounding into afternoon coffee and pronounced,
"We're done!"
*looks exchanged*
"How?"
"We just are, we're testing it tonight."
My grandfather looked up from his elephant ear, "Its supposed to storm tonight."
"Only 30% chance!" My uncle said, "and we aren't going to be out that long anyway, we'll just circle the lake."
From the windows, we observed them slide their kayak into the lake and choose my Dad and Uncle Tommy to be the official testers. (Again, the 'Not It' method)

By the way...I couldn't tell you what they used to build this 'kayak' but I can tell you more than anything else, it most closely resembled Moses' basket.

I'm sure that you've already guessed that it did indeed storm that night. Although I'm not sure that you could guess how hard.
Hours past and the storm continued, our power even went out for a few minutes. We started a brisk game of canasta to pass the time, I had just started to win when we heard the door swing open downstairs. *SLAM*
No one was prepared for the sight we were about to see. My Mom and Aunt feigned concern, but my grandpa and I were laughing so hard that we almost fell off our chairs.
They were muddy, half their clothes were missing, they clearly belonged on Gilligans Island.
My Uncle was lucky, he at least had one sock on, my Dad was barefoot. They started out with 4 shoes. Ripped shirts, covered in mud.
"YOUR DRIPPING ON MY FLOOR!" My grandma yelled in her heavy german accent.
"What happened?"
"We ended up in the Hudson." they said hanging their heads in shame
"The hudson river??" My laugher increased significantly
"Do you know of any other Hudson??" Clearly they were a bit on the cranky side
Aunt Karen looked out the window, "Where's the kayak?"
"At the bottom of the Hudson."
I thought I was going to die.
"We were doing fine but then I dropped my paddle, and the thing started going all crazy, and it tipped over when the storm came. I dont get it, it was so sturdy!"
Apparently a sheriff came and saw them draped over a rock, and kindly brought them home.

So ends the story of when my father was brought home by the police.

<--- where 50% of the fun happens...sadly its on the market...anyone need a house?

Theo and Buster

2005-07-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

I dog-sitted..(dog-sat?), not only that but I dog sat for a boxer named Theo. (I think its a boxer) Then theres this other fluffy little white dog, Buster, but hes fraile and therefore not intimidating.
Since Kristen Vanderland's dog bit me in the eye in the 2nd grade, I've been ridiculously afraid of dogs, little ones, big ones, all of them. I'm not a fan of cats either but thats a whole other story.
From the second I walked into the house Theo started jumping on me, and I was told just smack him with a flip flop. However, I'm a bit apprehensive about 'smacking' any dog, and even more so when the dog is taller than I am when on its hind legs. At any rate, the dog calmed down and I calmed down and the whole 24 hours was freak-out free.

Although this is a step, I'm not sure if I can cross out conquer fear of dogs on my list.

Opinions?

Top Stupidest Things My Family Has Done: SKI

2005-07-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

story #3:

You know how when a skiier's drops one of their skis, and it goes flying down the mountain, the skiier is supposed to yell-
"SKI"
so whoever the ski is about to impale can look behind them and actually see it happen.

Well they should have a similar rule for fishing.
When a 'fisher' is is casting his line...he should yell
"CASTING"
so that his buddy standing behind him is aware that a sharp hook is flying towards him with fast paced reckless abandonment, then abruptly switching directions.

Unfortunatly if their is such a rule, my grandfather doesnt know about it.

At the lake, while cleaning out the garage we came across two fishing poles, so my uncle decided to go out on the dock and fish with his Dad. *aww*
The dock makes a U shape, so they each stood on a side, and fished back to back.

To keep a short story short, my uncle ended up with a fishing hook in his back, in the commotion the tackle box got knocked over. I, being the nosey person I am, ended up stepping on a fish hook.

But dont worry, my aunt is a nurse, she is our rock. Poor aunt karen, shes a deborah in a raymond world.

Top Stupidest Things My Family Has Done: Lesson learned, fear the wrath of Grandma

2005-07-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

Story #2:

My grandfather loves cars, his bathroom has stacks of car magazines and they got digital cable just so he could watch Speedvision (they found out that digital cable came with free porn when my 5 year old cousin tried to find Spongebob, Poppop! What is this?
They cancelled digital cable.)
Anyway...bottom line, he loves cars. His corvette is his most prized possesion.
And who can blame the guy?

When my Dad was a kid, he got one of those mini cars, that you start with a pull, kind of like what you use to start the engine to a saiboat or a lawnmower.
All of the grandchildren loved riding around in it, but because it was so old, it was hard to get started.

At my grandparents old house, they had a really long driveway, the street on one end, and the garage on the other.
Uncl Scott rolled the the little car out of the garage where the corvette was parked.
"Scott watch it! Don't hit the car... Slower!"
"Dad! I'm not retarded I'm not going to hit the car."
The little car was rolled out to the end of the driveway, facing the street. The corvette remained unscathed.

The problem with the little car, wasn't only that it was had to start, but that when it did start you had to grab it quickly, because it would drive off at record speeds.
My Uncle thought he was cleverly dodging a bullet by facing it in the opposite direction of the garage.

He pulled, pulled and pulled. When he finally got it, he had to pull so hard that he fell over.
"OH MY GOD! IT'S IN REVERSE!!"
Poppop went into survival mode. They say a mother's adrenaline kicks into overdrive when her child is in trouble. That exactly what happened.
Poppop...my Poppop, the man whose genes I share.
Used his body as a human shield protecting his baby.

In the immortal words of ferris buller: a man with priorities so far out of whack doesnt deserve such a fine automobile.

Luckily my Grandma came out of the house in the middle of the madnes, literally, and grabbed the car halfway through the driveway.
Then she let my grandpa know why you don't risk death for a car.
After her reaction, I think we all learned that lesson.

Top Stupidest Things My Family Has Done: The Chainsaw Incident

2005-07-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

Before you read on, just know when it comes to my family each individual person is an intelligent, successfull, contributor to the human race.
Together, they are some of the dumbest people I know.

Story #1: The Chainsaw Incident of 2002

My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents the whole bunch meet at the house in Upstate NY every year for the 4th of July, where all the lake residence have huge bonfires and watch fireworks.

All day I watched my Father, Uncle Mike, and Uncle Tommy (they all went to college together, it says alot) pile wood, until is was far above my head.

The time came to light the fire it was HUGE. They got their kudos from all the neighbors and the women of the house breathed a sigh of relief.

Until Uncle Tommy (a pastor) came running down from the house holding a chainsaw above his head.
"LETS USE THE GAS FROM THIS TO MAKE THE FIRE EVEN BIGGER!"

My grandma shook her head and just walked into the house as the 3 stooges unscrewed the gas cap

"Whos going to be the one to throw in the gas?"
At this point my mom grabbed my shoulders and made me step back a good 15 feet.
They chose my Dad, by the 'Not It' method

The fire expodes into something worthy of contemplating if the fire dept. was necessary. It was about 2 seconds before we noticed my Dad flailing about in flames, but my Uncle Mike pushed him into the lake- so no worries, he was fine. He just didn't have any eyebrows for a few weeks.

Apparently later that night around 3 am, we were all trying to sleep, and the neighbors were all loud and drunk keeping up all my younger cousins. So my Uncle Mike, in pajamas, took the chainsaw out of the shed and massacred them all.
Kidding, no he just offered them some of the gas for their bonfire.

Let me tell you...I'm a roll

2005-07-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm checkin things off my list like nobody's business, although the list may be in need of revison, due to my personal aging and changing of world views.
So at long last I...
*drum roll please*
WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER
...and although I had my eyes closed the entire time...I admittedly enjoyed it.

Last tuesday when I asked Danielle if she wanted to come down to the beach house for 4th of July weekend, I promised her some incredible beach fries. So our first night Uncle Scott, Danielle, and Myself braved the traffic to the Ocean City Boardwalk, one of the happiest places on earth.
Rightly so..how could it be unhappy, what with all the hokey T-Shirts, people getting their pictures put on keychains, and overflow of gleefull children on a sugarhigh.
Its the poor man's O.C.
And I like it.

I was standing with a wad of pink cotton candy bigger than a jersey girls hair in the 80's, watching my uncle make a vailant effort to get a lion stuffed animal out of the crane machine. Only to be schooled by an 8 year old.
Hey, but we set it up for her, we were one turn away from getting it.

"OH MY GOD!" Danielle exclaimed and pointed to the sky, I started looking around like an idiot expecting something from War of the Worlds
"WE HAVE TO GO ON THAT!!" I stepped back a little and gave it another look.
What can I say, I'm short.
And I saw exactly what she was pointing at.
The Tycoon.
*dun dun dun*

"No. Way. Sorry but I dont do rollercoasters."
She looked at me like I had two heads...raised one eyebrow, and proclaimed
"Shut up, you do now!"
Apparently she's a little abrasive when it comes to rollercoasters

After whining about how I didn't want to go, they accepted the fact that I actually wasnt going and stopped bugging me. In fact I think once they realized I could hold their stuff they were pretty happy about it.
So I'm standing next to the ticket booth holding a yankee's hat, a hoodie, and chocolate covered strawberries on a stick, watching them buy tickets.
"Last call Jess...are you sure you dont want to go?" Danielle asked
"Yes." I said as firmly as I could
"Okay..." They turned to get into the line and I stood there alone watching them leave.
Looking up at the rollercoaster, its didnt look so big.
Why am I scared?
"WAIT!"

I was scared because its SCARY!
Duh.
As we did the entire ride for the second time BACKWARDS I realized exactly why its scary.
When the ride finally stopped, I opened my eyes, loosened my iron grip, and tried to stand up.
I fell back down.
Apparently Rollercoasters make me ill
You learn something new about yourself everyday
At any rate, it was enjoyable and now I can check it off!

Happy Trails.

Want proof, heres your proof!

2005-07-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

On the phone...
RG: I have to mow the lawn before I go out, I've been putting it off for a week
Me: Just do it and get it done, meet me in an hour.
RG: Are you crazy, I couldnt meet you in an hour if I was only mowing my mom's wheatgrass.
Me: 2 Hours?
RG: Try, like, around 10 tonight?
Me: Can't you mow fast? Like speed mow
RG: Have you ever even had to mow the lawn? I'm sure you have a band of illegal immigrants come do it for you.
Me: Hey hey hey...I've mowed a lawn before.
RG: I don't believe you.
Me: What why, why would I lie about such a thing.
RG: Unless you can prove it, I dont believe it.

BOO YAH
**this was when I was 14, to be fair. But its the only "proof" I have, and I need to excuse the lack in fashion sense.**
boy do I look pissed.

Class of 2005!!

2005-06-29T06:12:00.000-07:00

I sat down to my desk for the first time after school let out, to do some hardcore studying for my Friendly's test.
My diploma fell down.
I'm finding it to be very difficult not to take that as a sign.
As I propped up the 5" by 7" piece of paper that validates the past 4 years of my life (renforcing it with, what else... duct tape) I thought about how wierd it is that high school is over.
The fat lady has sung.
Ce Sera Sera
Hakuna Matata.

I heart 7-11

2005-06-04T14:38:00.001-07:00

As much as I dislike those little sleazy punks who loiter around the 7-11 at night until their mom’s call them to come home, 7-11 is still my Starbucks, I prefer a Slurpee to a Mochaccino any day. The 7-11 I frequent only has three employees, and none of them like me.
"God Dammit, that girl who things this is a fucking Starbucks is coming again.”
I’m not going to say they just don’t like me and I don’t know why, I know exactly why. I pay in change. Everytime.
Not once have I bought a slurpee using paper money, no - I throw all my change into my cup holder and I buy Slurpees from 7-11 with it. Also, one time my brother felt it would be funny, in the presence of his friends of course, to drink right from the slurpee machine.
Not so funny to the slurpee guys…
“But my mouth didn’t touch it!!”
“Get out of my store!!”
I’m very protective of my brothers, I step in when my Dad yells, so I’m certainly not about to stand for the 7-11 guy reprimanding him, even when he’s right.
“Well, technically this isn’t your store. It’s the franchise owner’s store, you just work here.”
The guy’s face got red, and you could see his temples pulsing- I honestly thought he was about to have a stroke.
We left. With great expediency.
I thought about finding a new 7-11, but why taint a second store? If they prepared my food, then I’d be a little worried, but it’s self-serve. No need cordial pleasantries between the slurpee guy and myself. He was shocked and appalled when I showed up 2 days later.
I will persevere.

NURSE I MUST PEE!!

2005-06-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

For some reason people are always asking me whether or not I want kids someday, I think asking, “So when are you graduating high school?” is far more contributory to most small talk. In the interest of ending the conversation ASAP, I lie. “Sure why not- 2 girls and a boy.” That answer basically covers all my bases. I used to say all boys, but that made the conversation even longer, I’d get the 2nd degree. “Why wouldn’t I want girls??”
Look, I don’t want kids, some people just aren’t ment to be parents. I’m not patient, I like to yell and scream when I’m mad, I get what I need to get done quickly without distractions, and zwieback is the food of the devil. I never even baby-sat during my tween years. Plus after kids, your hair falls out, you need a breast lift, tummy tuck, and a Prozac, Zoloft, Valium cocktail. The problem is those, like me, who would never know what to do kids won’t accept that- and they go right ahead with the child bearing anyway. This is, in my mind, a major problem with society.
Not just anyone should be able to have kids, a process needs to be instituted to weed out all the crazies. Just like getting a driver’s license. Take a class, if you pass the test then you can get a “Parenting Permit,” allowing you to take care of other’s children part-time. If all goes well with the permit, a foster child will stay with the aspiring parent for a year. If the kid doesn’t die, or OD on drugs, you’ll be issued a “Parenting License.” Granted my plan is slightly flawed, but I’m just throwing the idea out there, someone else needs to work out all the kinks.
Bottom line, I wouldn’t want to be my kid. (To unto others as you would have them do unto you.) The bright side is, I’m going to be a phenomenal old person!
<----me at 65
After 65 I’m going to check myself into a chic nursing home, eat Jell-O, throw my bedpan at the nurses, and roll around in a wheelchair with a morphine drip. The first thing I’ll do after check in is find myself a friend with a smokin’ 20-something grandson.
I can look at my friends right now and tell what they'll be like in 70 years. What can I say, I got skills.
Gabe and I were having this conversation the other day on our way to get slurpees.
“You’ll be the grumpy guy that the kids that visit are scared of”
“Yeah maybe. I just don’t want to be one of those guys who dies alone, and someone will follow a smell, only find me a month later dead because I choked on peanut butter or something”
“Peanut butter huh?”

If you have to do some kind of volunteer work, going to a nursing home is the best. There is always that cranky guy in the corner that the nurses tell you to “watch out for, he’s basically harmless but just keep your distance.” That’ll be Gabe, I bet all my future cats.
“A little girl will give you a balloon and you'll smack it away with your sun spot covered hand and you’ll tell those girl scouts your balloons are ugly and you are ugly as well and you want to know something? Let me tell you, life’s a bitch, then you die!!”
My explanation made him a tad defensive, but not so deep down, he knows I’m right.
“However! I’ll be 90 playing poker with the girl scouts, taking all their money. I won’t have any social security by then so I’ll need the money to pay for my fancy-shmancy nursing home. They can cry I don’t care, stop wasting time baking cookies for the homeless and learn to play better poker.”
He paused for a moment, and leaned his head over to one side. Creating a visual for himself….
“I can so see you taking money from the Girlscouts.”

They are selling Upstate!

2005-05-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

Leaving upstate Sunday morning was always preferrable to leaving Monday. Not only could I skip church in general, but if we stayed we had to go to Conklingville. From the outside, The Community Church of Conklingville, is the most adorable little country Protestant church you'll ever want to see. White, with a steeple, and pots of daises in front of the entrance. It's very Little House on the Prarie esq. Let me tell you- I hated that church. The pews are perfect right angles, without padding on the back, it was torturous. Pastor Jones,was the corniest kind of pastor too, from his power-blue blazer and american flag tie, to his horribly clammy hands. A pastor should always check for clammy hands.

Right next the church is what used to be the country store, my favorite place upstate as a kid. My father was crestfallen when he discovered I was just about the wimpiest kid he'd ever seen. Every year that I refused to learn standard waterfront activities, water skiing, wakeboarding, knee boarding, his hopes and dreams for me died a little. However, around the age of 7, he discovered that I could be bribed. A slurpee from the general store, plus the added insurance of a second slurpee if a giant fish ripped me to shreds, was enough to make me quite adventurous. Who was I to reject such sugary goodness?

Existentialism on Prom Night

2005-05-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight is MHS prom.
I'm missing what is supposed to be the pinnacle of my Marlboro High School career, and I have no idea why. To the untrained eye, I may look like a loser...sitting here...blogging...alone.
But lets not be hasty with our assumptions young grasshopper!
Lets examine:
side effects of a loser may include: stupidity, lack of personality, getting *thwacked* by the ugly stick, lack of monitary assests, whore-ish tendencies, lack of companionship/attention from the opposite sex, ownership of pocket protectors, complusive lying...or a combination of at least three.

Arguably, I am none of those things. I might be lazy when it comes to purdying myself up M-F, but when I give cosmetics the chance I dont look too shabby. Ignoring the fact that my bum has taken on its own identity.

So why am I missing a perfectly good excuse to wear a tiara?

What I'm dreading is numerous dinner parties and other such events where people reminisce their high school days.
"You didn't go to your prom??!?? WHY??"
I need to be able to offer up a half good excuse.

I could say I was one of those absurd anti-prom/neo-hippies, who have their anti-prom parties. Where they all discuss how prom is a mass display of conformity. Every single one of those people are crying on the inside because they couldnt get a date, making it even more socially depressing.
And dont even get me started on how they are serving only to promote alternate forms of conformity.

Argh Argh Argh....I wonder if i ate 50 green ice pops, would my pee turn green?

I'm off to listen to Jack Johnson and pray to God that I havn't peaked at 18. If its all downhill from here I'd like to know, so i can I adopt a Sylvia Plath-like existence. Than at least people will have something to talk about at the class reunion.

warning: the following lyrics do not endorse or encourage the listening to or enjoyment of AFI, I just like the word Beer-o
I wanna be a highschool football hero.
With an S.A.T. score less than zero.
I wanna try to drink my weight in beer-o.
I wanna be a highschool football hero
My brain is upside-down, so I'm just a little slow.
I'll change my name toBubba
so that everyone will know...
AFI

My Political Profile

2005-05-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

Your Political Profile

Overall: 80% Conservative, 20% Liberal

Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

A Lesson from Jessica's School of Life

2005-05-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

MrHoTtShOt911: im a strange kid
MrHoTtShOt911: shut up

jessilynne613: yessum...
jessilynne613: when do you leave?

MrHoTtShOt911: tomorrow at 7am

jessilynne613: i thought you said you're leaving tonight?

MrHoTtShOt911: so did i
MrHoTtShOt911: til my mom said it was delayed
MrHoTtShOt911: we were takin the red eye

jessilynne613: oh ok
jessilynne613: why is it called the red eye

MrHoTtShOt911: cuz its the last flight

jessilynne613: but why red eye

MrHoTtShOt911: usually at midnight

jessilynne613: i realize so why isnt it called the very late flight

MrHoTtShOt911: and thats when supposidly peoples eyes turn red from the lack of sleep

jessilynne613: ohhh
jessilynne613: thank you.

and that has been your tidbit of practical information for the day.

...don't you feel smarter?

Finger Lickin' Good

2005-04-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

In light of recent events involving chili and fingers, I've put together a list to help put this particular event in perspective.
...It's all about perspective

Top 5 Craziest Mutilation Stories
5. Dan/George's Fiance cut off the tips of her fingers in woodshop, not all of them just 2 or three

4. The mountain climber who had to cut off his own arm with a pocketknife because it was stuck under a boulder

3. Hannibal the Cannibal

2. Oedipus, my muse for the catchphrase, "so what, are ya gonna go all Oedipus on me?"

...ha! hannibal the cannibal rhymes
that was clever of me

1. Featured on I love the 80's- this woman cut off her husbands extremity... then they found it on the side of the highway.
holey effing moley

By the way "Wendy's is currently offering a $50,000 reward for information and keeps a hotline open for... finger tips." (http://suicidegirls.com/news/culture/8213/)

But there you go once again
You missed the point and then you point
Your fingers at me
And say that I said not to believe
I believe
I guess
I guess it's all relative

Jack johnson

Egg Drop Project

2005-04-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

NH: My egg broke, i got an 80% on the project
MJ: Guys! I asked my dad about the egg drop project last night and all he said was why dont you just put an egg inside a chicken and drop it?
[blank stares]

Me: Holy Crap

JL: Wouldnt a chicken technically already have eggs in it? Is it necessary to STICK an egg up its ass?
NH: Not only that but then you'd have to drop the chicken out the window

Me: Can chickens fly?
*my question is ignored*

JL: how would you know if the egg broke?
[momentary silence]
MJ: lol I dont know but I'm not the girl whose gonna check.

Amen sister.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld

Gosh!

2005-04-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that my computer was made in the Bowels of Hell by little demon geeks exclusively to drive me to an early grave.

That is all.

Pete & Elda

2005-03-24T18:23:00.000-08:00

I was driving down pleasant valley rd, a narrow road outlined with Mc Mansions in the butt-crack of Marlboro. Although its usually the long way, I try to take it as often as possible because other than the occasional garbage truck, I can go as fast as I please- consquently making it the short way.
I was gleefully turning the corner at a rapid pace, and I almost hit some lady running.
She was a bit on the chubby side, and was having a little trouble with the feet lifting part.
I noticed her shirt...
"I ate a whole pie at Pete & Eldas!"

Oh Honey...

(For non-new jersians, Pete and Elda's is a pizza place in Neptune thats famous for giving out t-shirts to people who can eat an entire pie.)

It doesnt get any more carbtastic than that!

"What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!"
- Joey

A Bull in the China Cabinet

2005-03-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

Me: "Mom I'm going to see Danielles play."

"What play?"

"one where she plays an old lady."

"Can you even get to Danielle's school?"
*Danielle goes to a private school in eastbumblefuck.*

"I have a vague idea"
[Blank Stare]
"I'll just take the parkway north, and im sure theres an exit to her school."

"So your going to travel the parkway until you see the big sign that says EXIT: Danielles play where she plays an old lady- stay right. Of course it'll have to have flashing lights because I know you sucked your glasses into a vaccum cleaner."
[Dammit]

"...what?"

"Follow her mom."

Right.

Ater the play

Alex and Angel joined me in my efforts to be a good friend and we were feelin pretty good about ourselves. To avoid chit-chat with people we dont know, we opted to wait in the car until Jackie (danielles mom) was ready to leave.

"Jess, is this a Christian School?"

"Its called Timothy Christian, I'm gonna say yes."
*Heres your sign*

"All the parents are staring at us."

"I feel judged."

"their eyes are burning through me."
[silence]

"..Jess..I'm a little scared.."

Thinking back I realized it might have something to do with us playing "I wanna fuck with the hooey." with the windows rolled down.

Jackie came and said that danielles grandparents would be following us back.
So our little caravan ventured out on its merry way, me following Jackies intrepid, which was easy because they have those funky taillights.

We came to a yellow light and I sped through to keep up with Jackie, but of course like all old people Danielle's grandparents stopped.
The intrepid pulled over and we pulled over behind it, her grandparents past us but they pulled over too.
So we sat there on the side of the road until Jackie pulled out and we continued.

"Why are we making all these sporatic lefts and rights?"

"I have no clue, just keep up."

10 minutes later we pull into some sort of community.

"Where are we?"

"We're probably taking a short cut."

"No you know what this looks like one of them 'active adult communities' we are probably dropping the old people off."

"Yeah probably."

"Goddamn! there are so many speedbumps!"

Alex states matter-of-fact-ly..."They want you to go slow so you dont hit the old people during the day, they probably go out for walks."
[silence]

So we are making lefts and rights through this what we assume to be an 'active adult community' danielles grandparents are still behind us, and the intrepid pulls into a space. We are about to pull into the space next to it, my phone rings

"Hey! Its Jackie are you still behind us?"

"Yeah we're right behind you."
*obnoxious HONK #1*

"Are Danielle's grandparents with you?"

"Yeah they are here too"
*obnoxious HONK#2*

"Who is honking in the background? Uhm, yeahh..so we are on 287..."

I didn't hear what she said after that because some guy got out of the intrepid and let me tell you, he was NOT a relative of danielle's.

My car ZOOMED i do not exaggerate. we zoomed away and when we were far enough away we died laughing.

Maybe you had to be there.

Homer: "Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try

"You suffer for your soup."

2005-03-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

I was bored as hell trying to fall asleep
If I can't sleep, I might as well be productive.

I was still chipper at 4 am, all my homework was done, and I watched the entire first season of friends, so I was a little bored.

Me *In my head*- "The gym opens at 5, I should go now!"

I put on my new balances, and got my Lemon-y flavored water...took a swig of dayquil and ventured out into the darkness.

The SECOND i stepped outside i realized that this is completely ridiculous.

First off...I felt like i was sneaking out, its not morning if you need to use your headlights.
and...it was FREEZING, if i had balls - i would have frozen them off.

My car is blowing out cold air, which is fogging up my windows so I'm driving like an asshole going 5 mph up my street, my body has begun to shiver uncontrollably

Then my teeth start chattering which was really great because my retainer made a clanking sound which was pissing me off.

All the sudden I've reached a point of cold where my entire respiratory system has frozen over and im beginning to asphyxiate.

Eventually i made it to the gym but it was a hard road...

moral of the story: just be fat.

"Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!"
"You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?"
- Marie and Frank in The Toaster

Because I'm Jessica

2005-03-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

"Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."
- Stewie

My senior paper is only a week late! thats the good news..
the bad new is, holy shit my senior paper is a week late!

So I woke up early on saturday because of course i can write something in a day that will be just as good as what other people can do in 5 months.

why?

Because I'm Jessica.

I went to the library and picked up my commentaries on Dickens, as well as Igby goes down, because obviously its not going to take the whole day to write a 6 page paper.

The librarian scans my card and I'm off in la la land watching some 2 year old try and put a square puzzle piece into the circle place, and then i have to be ashamed of myself when i think how stupid that kid must be..la la la

"Ma'am?"

"Oh hi"
[snapped to reality]

"Your card is blocked"

"Why?"
[I know why]

"well you brought 3 movies back 8 days late."

"Are you sure?"
[Yes]

"would you like me to print it out for you?"

"yes, thank you."
[It'll buy me a few seconds]

the kid is still working on the square..dammit

librarian hands me a reciept along with the look of death, it honestly struck fear into my soul. I think it was Gods way of warning me, cant scoff the 2 year olds anymore..
*short prayer of repentance*

"25.00? Can i pay that when i return these?"

"No, your card is blocked you cant take out anything."

"But.."
[snap!]
"Your hindering my learning!"

"sorry"

Yes...I'm sure she is sorry. I'm sorrier though because right now I'm awake at 3:37 writing my senior paper using NOTHING.
God is punishing me...

Mommy's Funny Medicine

2005-02-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

First, a shout out to the anonymous librarian who made it a point to tell me that libraries actually like it when they make money from your late fines. It inspired me to go and return my books with my head held high.
After paying 13.85 in late fees, I picked up The Bellmaker, a book out of the Redwall series that my boy Humphrey said I just had to read. Apparently about a warrior mouse and his talking forrest animal friends.
Yeah, thats what i was thinking too.
Aparently they are [quote] SO AMAZING!! [end-of-quote]
So not only did I have to check out a book with a cartoon mouse fully equipped with medival weaponry on the cover, but I had to go into the childrens section to get it.
I stumbled upon two very interesting books...if you're a pothead parent, and you're sick and tired of your school-age kids judging you, there are now storybooks you can buy that will teach the little buggers to mind their own beeswax and ignore the funny-smelling cloud hovering above your living room/porch/crack den? It's true!
This strikes me as a rather interesting publishing phenomenon... if one can call two books a "phenomenon".
The first is called Its Just a Plant, and it's about a girl named Jackie who catches her parents smoking a joint. Rather than ream them out for smoking in the house (come on, dude, that's just plain rude), Jackie asks for an explanation.
The next day, she and her mom dress up in their favourite Burning Man costumes (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly) and head out on their bikes for a magical mystery tour. First, they visit Farmer Bob, who explains how he grows marijuana (and presumably also explains how he doesn't let the Hell's Angels get involved in the distribution process), and then they head over to Dr. Eden's office, who explains why pot isn't harmful to grown-ups (with the requisite warning that Jackie shouldn't smoke it herself till she's grown up, but without warning her that pot may make her annoying to her friends).
The second, Mommy's Funny Medicine, takes the safer pro-medicinal marijuana stance. It's about a girl named Heather (the same one who has 2 mommies?) whose mother seems to be sick with some unnamed ailment, for which her regular medicine has stopped working. You can't really look for fault in the subject matter, because what kind of heartless human being likes to see people suffer?

Homer: "To alcohol! The cause of- and solution to- all of life's problems"

2005-02-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

while it might have appeared to a casual third-party observer that i was simply shoving reese’s cups in my piehole, i’ll have you know that it was actually done in the name of science.

i can now, officially, without question, unequivocally state the following:

the little tiny reese’s cups just don’t taste as good as the big ones.

...nor do they taste anywhere close to as good as the reese’s peanut butter eggs.

why?

no idea.more research is clearly warranted.

Longest Day Ever...Longest Blog Ever

2005-01-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

first off, i'd like to give a hearty thanks, jackass to whoever scheduled the storm of the century for my three-day weekend. having said that, let's review what's been going on here over the course of the last three snowbound days:

-thanked god that i have 844 cable channels. cursed his name when i remembered that there is never anything worth watching on any of them. seriously, not a single one. put on telemundo and hit the mute button. left it on like that for hours. no idea why.

- stared into pantry looking for something to eat. see nothing appealing, despite enormous amount of food. close pantry door. open pantry door again moments later, as if pantry elves would have magically replenished food supply with yummy pre-prepared goodness. stunning disappointment. evidently, pantry elves are without four-wheel drive vehicle.

- spent 20 minutes layering clothing onto body in preparation for going outside to snap even more artsy snow photos [ed. note: but these would be nighttime photos. totally different than the previous daytime437 snow photos.].I managed to get myself out the door [dispite the fact that when i *brilliantly* opened the sliding door, 18 inches of snow fell into my kitchen, which i tried to *push* back in, while yelling (at the snow) No!No!NO! Go Back!!Fuck you snow!" -theres an enjoyable mental picture for ya- ] into the freezing-ass night only to discover that the battery in my digital camera is kaput after having snapped 437 snow photos earlier that day.

- blogger: errors publishing new posts. yahoo games: page cannot load me: trying to send hate mail to both services, and having aneurysm because, after pressing send, i receive a message that the hotmail server is too busy to send my message.
-briefly consider taking more snow pictures to distract myself.
i did learn one very important thing, though: never underestimate the simple goodness of a bacon sandwich. at some point in my life, somebody convinced me to stop eating bacon.
probably for health reasons or some such nonsense.
whatever, people.
bacon is the nectar of the gods and i shall never again be denied its smoky goodness.

well, one of my neighbors parked beside me is not only inconsiderate, but also stupid.
a combination which, in this case, worked to my advantage. i’ve suspected that they are all one french frie short a happy meal for a while now, but when she decided to start shoveling snow at about 10:00 last night, it didn't take long for my suspicions to be confirmed.
first, she shoved all the snow that was behind her car about four feet to the left so it is now behind my car. (I park on the street because if i park in the driveway my parents cant back out, she parks on the street for absolutely no reason) clearly- inconsiderate- not necessarily stupid.
then, in what can only be described as an action so stupid that it makes your brain hurt if you think about it for any length of time at all...she proceeded to pile the snow that was beside her car behind her car.
seriously. behind her own car.
so, now she can get in her car. she just can’t back it out of its parking space.
i imagine her getting all bundled up and getting in her car. then just sitting there and making vroom-vroom noises. maybe she even takes an imaginary friend with her on her little drive. and then they turn on the radio and sing along with hang on sloopy while they drive to…new mexico. and, while they're driving, they see this little taco place, and they decide to stop, because they both want to try a fish taco and they've never had one before but they hear they're amazing, but it seems to be taking a long time for their order to get ready, so they just speed away [vrooooom] and the manager of the taco place comes running out as they speed off, and he’s shaking his fist in the air at them and shouting in spanish. but she and her imaginary friend just toss their heads back and laugh about which one of them is thelma and which one is louise.

Wow i really need to get out of the house...

so, anyway, i won’t be able to move my satanic car until the spring thaw. but, hey, there’s nothing so frustrating that a nice bacon sandwich won’t make it all go away, right?

2005-01-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

Football is a source of endless enjoyment for me, I see people getting hit hard and there are plenty of close up shots of players mouthing, “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” to the ref. I always enjoy this, because the announcers are then forced to stammer uncomfortably, with comments such as, “Apparently, he disagrees with that call.” Yeah, no shit.
Sports players are funny, they all have this intermittent expolsiveness going on, I feel bad for the Refs.They were all definatly water boys in high school, I'm not quite sure how they dont shit themselves everytime a group of 11, 280 lb 7ft giants go postal on their ass.
I'm just waiting for the day all the NFL coaches get together and take over a small country. leading their army of enormous men with spiked shoes and helmets of steel, they could at least take over connecticut or maybe delaware if they wanted to.
I was flipping through channels, and on ESPN theres some mother fucker doing a backhandspring/cartwheel, he was basically just flailing through the air into the end-zone. That kid must have been real excited to make a touch down. However his hopes and dreams were crushed in one fell swoop when HE DROPPED THE BALL! Sucks for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This'll Knock Your Sox Off!

2005-01-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

...Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
-Seinfeld
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fun friday night of baby-sitting ahead of me...maybe if I'm lucky lexy anorexy will be on lifetime.
Not much to write about, maybe i'll backtrack a little, too a better time and date.

Lets go back...wayyyy back - to winter break

Danielle and I decided to go to my grandparents house in Upstate NY, my parents decided i couldnt drive up myself, so we got treated to the pleasure of a 4 hour ride in a mini van. In itself the ride is bearable, as long as you bring the portable music device of your choice to drown out the incesent bleeping of gameboys in the back seat. (as well as my mothers post-christmas Amy Grant CD)

I was perfectly content listening to Radiohead, but then!
...then we saw something quite disturbing...
A Massachucetts license plate with- ::brace yourself::
A GO YANKEES! bumper sticker!
*Gasp*

Did the Red Sox not just win the superbowl?

You thought for a second I didnt know that the red sox were a basketball team! Oh im good...

*Corny line drawn too late...I apologize..*

What is he thinking?
Isnt that against everything a bostonian/mass. resident, stands for? Home of ben affleck, cheers and all people who refer to things as wicked cool??

Personally i feel bad for the guy, (lets call him Nick), how does he get around town driving a kia sportage with a GO YANKEES! bumper sticker?
Beantowners get pissed off when someone just mentions New York.
Nick's going to double park one day at his favorite irish bar, and that car will be replaced with a very large, angry, and most likely hairy man, readly for a good ol' show down because no one taints his city riding around with a GO YANKEES! bumper sticker.

Maybe he ment the sticker to be sarcastic... in which case I'll have to say GO RED SOX!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

The Swing State of Produce

2005-01-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

Why is the sky blue?
Did Britney cheat on Justin?
Who shot JFK?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

These are age old questions, which can be answered with a certain level of wisdom
However, there is one question which i fear will never be answered...

Is a tomato a fruit or a Vegetable?

Facts:
Pro-Fruit:
it has the sugar content of a fruit
it has seeds on the inside, therefore making it a fruit

Pro-Vegetable:
it just is.

out of an official survey... 4 out of 13 people asked stood firm on the belief that a tomato is a vegetable
silly..silly people.
lets not be foolish...

Radiation gets Swept Away

2005-01-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

Having created one of the biggest environmental hazards in decades by making Swept Away, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are now trying to pay down that karmic debt -- not by insisting that all outstanding prints of said film be rendered into compost, but by undoing some of the damage done by another disaster. According to London's Daily Telegraph, the couple is helping to clean up the site of the Chernobyl nuclear meltdown in the Ukraine -- an effort that largely consists of chanting the word "Chernobyl" while waggling their hands toward the east in a Kabbalistic frenzy. We're not sure how much radiation that'll actually eliminate, but we'd imagine a decent-quality recording would outstrip the Material Girl's last few albums in terms of sonics .
--Rolling Stone

GEORGE!

2005-01-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

Oh Boy... okay so i have a few nicknames...jess, jessi, beck, gap kid, B....
now we can add Deer Slayer to the list.

Ughhh okay so I had my 9 year old sister emily, 5 year old cousin megan and megans 9 year old sister Kaitlyn in my car with me
Kaitlyn was in the front (i guess 9 year olds arent supposed to go in the front? but i only have 2 seatbelts in the back.)
I was driving past the police station when all of the sudden
A DEER LEAPED

...He leaped I tell you....

In front of my car, I hit him at 35 mph *in mid leap*

...Poor deer, George was having a good frolick and i crushed his dreams
Because when i hit him, he flew OVER my car and -not even exagerrating- 30 feet into the other lane
Where he fell in front of the oncoming traffic in front of a car, who proceeded to hit george for a second time and the car behind it to rear end them both.
Not george's best day.

He was like that cow in the tornado, at the beginning of the wizard of oz...

Kaitlyn: My life just flashed before my eyes....
Me: All 7 years?
Kaitlyn: Im 9.

just kidding then...

Emily: Did we just hit another car?
(shes used to me hitting other cars)

Kaitlyn: You know this wasnt your fault
Me: I know
Kaitlyn: Because the deer didnt have a deer X-ing sign, so i dont know why he jumped out, you couldnt have expected it.

Ha! Eh he was a few french fries short a happy meal i guess.

SO I get home...and there are cracks in my hood!
NOOOOOOOO

I just got it back from the shop last week!
And there are tufts of deer hair sticking out of the crack and my grill!!
Ewwwwww....

poor george.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowing you is like going into the jungle, I don't know what I'll find next, and I'm real scared." --Jerry (to George)

To be or not to be...

2004-12-30T01:59:00.000-08:00

Shakespeare, one of high schools pleasures. Only high school could be so portentous to assume that adolescents will understand Elizabethan literature. Apparently there are an abundance of puns and humor in Hamlet (right after someone dies - and before everyone else dies.) I have english at 8:30 AM every day, 17 year olds are not alive at 8:30, we cannot retain any information presented to us at such an ungodly hour.

My english teacher, Mrs. Goldstein, a nuerotic jewish woman, who wears alot of polyester pant-suits (very carol brady) is quite chipper at 8:30...shes like that annoying lady in Office Space who says, "Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays!" and you really really want to strangle her.

Anyway...so we are a class of 35 dead high schoolers, you've got the standard group...girl with lipgloss and compact, the kid who comes into class every single day and says, "aww man we had homework?? She never said that!", ass-kisser:female, ass-kisser:male, kid who smells like cigarettes that the teacher hates, kid who smells like pot that the teacher hates even more than cigarette kid, kid who blantantly stares into space and occasionally drools...then theres everyone else.

Mrs Goldstein is making us listen to her read Hamlet, honestly, I dont think its physically possible to be able to focus on someone reading Hamlet to you...at 8:30. Nobody can do that, not superman, not Ghandi, not Jesus, not even Shakespeare himself could do it! And every now and then she'll read off a line, and start laughing like its just the funniest thing. Does she not notice even drool boy has taken the effort to lift his eyes in acknowledgement of her insanity?

Whatever, I saw the simpons Hamlet episode, so I didnt even have to read the book. Only the simpons could synopsisis Hamlet into a 15 minute cartoon that I can watch and get a B.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

: Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight.

2004...what a pip!

2004-12-29T20:06:00.000-08:00

these are a few of my favorite things i encountered this year...
-Oliver Twist
-U2
-Subway
-Republicans
-Law and Order SVU
-Lindsay Lohan
-The Da Vinci Code
-The beauty of having a license
-Coldstone
-Ohio
-Coffee
-Nirvana
-The Milkshake Song
-Machiavelli
-Danielle Ash's Blog
-Almost Famous
-NOT banana republic
-Philadelphia
-Coldstone
-The Simpsons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"

Peach Toucher!

2004-12-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

Today, I had one of THEE grossest moments in my life...let me give a bit of backround...I bought niice peaches for myself and I had JUST ONE MORE DAY for them to rippen and for me to enjoy their juice goodness. I walked by them and looked at them longingly, knowing that I couldn't wait much longer!! But, with great reluctance, I walked past them and towards the bathroom. My gramma, who is crazy, was just walking out and I made note that she did not wash her hands...this is gross enough, but wait, theres more...I went and...did my business...in the bathroom, washed my hands, and went out into the kitchen where I found my Gramma cutting up a peach. One of MY peaches..."Are those ripe??" I asked, putting the anger and jealous rage to the back of my mind, I could give up one peach...She grabbed her plate and said "Yea yea sure!!" She started to waddle out of the room, but stopping at the credenza next to my peaches and proceded to touch them. Touch my peaches...She picked one up and handed it to me saying, "You just gota find a soft one!" With a smile she walked away. Leaving me there, utterly crushed, looking down at my tainted peach.

--By Danielle Ash

Serenity Now! Serenity Now!!

2004-12-13T02:19:00.000-08:00

I swear I will never get into a car again in my life!!!

Yesterday I was on my merry way to the Banana Republic, life sucked but...thats life. I was on the phone with my aunt ranting about my shitty week...
and then- it got worse.

I thought my sebring could make it into the parking spot, but oh i was wrong. I soon foundmy sebring lodged under a parked jeeps bumper, which proceeded to crack. i tried to put my car in reverse to back away from my unfortunate perdicament, no such luck. It made a nice *VROOOMMM* sound but it didnt go anywhere. Meanwhile I see some dude with his four year old flippin the bird at me and writing down my license plate. I hope santa clause puts him on the naughty list.

So i get my car out from under the jeep and the jeep bounces up a little when it hits the ground and half the bumper falls off. Then it starts raining...God must feel bad for me because im pretty sure he was crying.

So I pull into the nearest parking spot and true to my girl ways I break down, then i remember aunt angie is still on the phone, and I say I got in an accident and I hit a parked car but im okay. So she says she'll be right there.

About 5 minutes later wasnt I surprised when my parents come a knocking on my window. "Oh crap" slipped out of my mouth. Apparently aunt angie called my grandparents (who left for delaware at 7 am, and got there around 11) and my grandparents called my parents - who were already at the mall.

My mom was mad because i didnt call her, and my dad was mad because I suck at life.

My aunt and uncle arrive about the same time I finished hyperventilating and telling my mom what happened. So we went to leave my info on the jeep so that i didnt get in trouble for a hit and run

No maroon jeep to be found.

Who the Fuck just says "oh wow half my bumper is gone, i'll just leave"
Thats either the christmas spirit or a little too much eggnog

So my dad says well lets just leave
*thanks dad
My uncle says, uh no we should report it so that its not hit and run if someone took her license plate

So 5 minutes later mall security comes rollin up in the pimped out security mobile, thats quite the flashy car I must say. So she said that she is going to get the police to come file a report, but it was raining and cold so all...7 (1 aunt, 1 uncle, 2 cousins, 2 parents and me) of us should just sit in the cars and wait.
I went to my car...and its locked, I fumble around my blazer for my keys then I see them...dangling from the ignition...mocking me, seriouslt they were laughing

So mall security broke into my car and got the keys, and the police man got here, his first words were
Police: "what is this the whole family?"
My Uncle: "Short of the grandparents"
My Aunt: "But they are on their way"
- Yes my grandparents were driving 4 hours back to NJ, they were on. there. way. (crap)

So he says i need your license, insurance, and registration
I say okay and I get my license and insurance...but where is my registration
dammit they make those cards so little
Yeah...I had no registration.
and my insurance card expired
oh and guess what, my car isnt even registered because it expired in september??
*Hypervetilation****

My Aunt: *looking through my wallet to see if maybe my registration was there*
My Aunt: "Oh this is it!"
My Aunt: *starts handing not my registration...but my FAKE ID...to the COP!!"
Me: *Horror...head starts spinning*
My Aunt: *Sees me, sees the name Sabrina Adler- and realizes literally 6 in. from the cops hand that registration does not have a photo on it!!!!
My Aunt: *THROWS my id into the trunk and slams the trunk shut
My Aunt: "Errr...nevermind! that was a school id!"

More or less that was the evenfullness..then there was some paperwork and such...
I promise to never ever drive again...

********************************************************************

Dictionary of Jessica

2004-12-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

for your reading enjoyment i have compiled a list of all of my favorite word-creations from over the years...

:A "B": (n.)
You are a "b" if you are part of the "B's" the B's are all of my girls who have last names beginning in the letter B, who are bitchy, who have big boobs/booties, and are bangin' & belligerent.

:tanorexic: (adj.)
that would be the kind of girl (or guy; keep the political correctness at an acceptable level) who goes tanning more than once a week, refuses to wear those crazy ass lookin' eye goggles, and rather than putting on tanning lotion, they wear sunless tanner.They find the smell of singed flesh and organs to be tantilizing, and gives them a sense of accomplishment A true tanorexic will never ever wear suntan lotion, and will not buy a moisturizer with any spf in it. SHe/he will not leave the house without bronzer, and will apply it anytime she/he sees their reflection.

:Ignant: (adj.)
I'm not really sure if we made this word up...per-say, or if it was derived elsewhere and merely claimed to be our own but basically its a lazy person saying ignorant so rather than ignorant fool, you are synopsised as ignant.

:Nippleitis: (v.)
that is when a girl gets a little cold...or *whatever*, and you got the nipple action goin on, that is now defined as...nippleitis. I didnt actually make that up, sanduki has to get the props/blame...whatever is due for that one.

:Gruntled: (adj.)
well when you are disgruntled, you are upset...however...when you are gruntled you are happy, chipper and bouncy. EX: I woke up feeling extremely gruntled!
You can even take it to another level which would be Gruntilicious!

:Smackelicious: (?)
this word really has no definition - use at your own discretion

:Snapish: (?)
I often use this word in a sentence such as: have a snapish day! again use at your own discretion

:Pupmunk: (n.)
That would be the word used when referring to jessica's future offspring...because apparently i look like a chipmunk, (strangly more than one person has said that to me, i personally dont see the resemblence)
I dont know why or how it morphed into the word pupmunk, i've just accepted it.

Who is that Freshman in the back??

2004-12-10T01:51:00.000-08:00

Psychology...what a class. This is my teachers second year of teaching - shes very nice, but the class is in a state of utter confusion because as a result of this being her 2nd year...shes still trying to be the cool teacher. On the days she fights with her boyfriend she tends to be a tad bit cranky. Tuesday was a cranky day, I was absent tuesday, and wasnt i surprised to walk in and have someone...sitting in my seat.
Me:"why are you in my seat?"
Kid in my seat: "Mrs. Derpich flipped out yesterday."
Me: "Ok, and this predicament has caused you to now find yourself to be sitting in my seat?"
Kid in my seat: "Your over there now...sorry."
:: SILENCE ::
****For the record, i liked my seat, in fact im gonna have to say it was the best seat out of all my other seats. It was on the left side, one row over from the window, not by the door, and it was close to the front. I'm not gonna lie, i'll miss the seat.

Kid in my seat: --> Points to the right side of the room, to a seat across from the door, in the back against a wall. One of those seats you have to turn your neck to the right the whole class and then it hurts after.
Me: **Jessica Face**

Friday, we had an enriching (Ias well as mentally stimulating) game of psychology bingo! Woot Woot!
Now...the people who were previously with me on the left side of the room were...lauren, matt and blake....
with the exception of matt, they tend to say really unintelligent things occasionally. (seemingly for attention) It gets old. They are also very very veryyyy dramatic (haha unlike myself!!)
So...
We used psychology vocab. to play... psychology bingo
Lauren: Why cant we use numbers to play bingo?
Me: Because that would defeat the purpose
Lauren: How?
Me: **jessica face**

Mrs Derpich: Now we are playing to get all the spaces around the edge
Matt: Can we use the free space?
Me: **jessica face**

I dont even remember what blake said, but it was really not smart, and it was not funny.
So after whatever comment she made...I said...
Me: OKay everyone who used to sit in the left hand side needs to stop talking!
lauren: Oh my God...everyone in this class hates us, why?? that was soo mean!
Me: Get over it.. I was kidding!
lauren: everyone hates us!!
blake: Why is this happening?
**"Oh my God"...(x 1297)
Mrs Derpich: what is wrong with you? she was kidding! she sat there with you!
lauren: **turns around to talk to joey...who is sitting behind her
Lauren: you hate us too dont you!!
Joey: **clearly awakened from a zone
Joey: I really dont care...
Freshman- nobody knows his name: I sit behind joey in lunch!! He says how stupid you are and make fun of you every day!
**"Oh my God!!" (x 128898)
Joey: Who is this kid?
::SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE:: (no one knows who he is)
Freshman: I sit behind you in lunch
lauren: did you really like say thatt??
Joey: Never talk to me again. **Re-enters zone**
**"Oh my God!!!!" (x198739843)

Me: **glances exchanged with fellow classmates**

And so psychology bingo continues....

Memoirs of Danielle & Jessica~[Chapter 1:]True Life: A Marlboro Girl's Rant

2004-12-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

The following is a story I hold very near and dear to my heart.
The beginning of a beautiful friendship!!!
Well, not the beginning so much...more like one of those funny speedbumps along the way...
(This is probably funnier to the bootleggers than the rest of the world, however even to the averge person it might be considered as adequate entertainment)

XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:32 PM]: we should tell OUR story lol
DiTzyMz [10:32 PM]: i know!
DiTzyMz [10:32 PM]: we should do it in IM form
DiTzyMz [10:32 PM]: like i'll copy paste the im
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:33 PM]: yea!!!
DiTzyMz [10:33 PM]: wow thats a good idea
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:33 PM]: Jessica Lynn and Danielle Elizabeth: From Sunday School to Partners in Crime DiTzyMz [10:34 PM]: you spelled my middle name wrong
DiTzyMz [10:34 PM]: what a way to start THAT story
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:34 PM]: how many possible ways are there to spell lynn
DiTzyMz [10:34 PM]: lynne
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:35 PM]: aww the 'e'
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:35 PM]: god forbid i forget the 'e'
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:35 PM]: lol
DiTzyMz [10:35 PM]: yeah well
DiTzyMz [10:35 PM]: arrite anyway
DiTzyMz [10:35 PM]: Chapter 1:
DiTzyMz [10:35 PM]: you suck
DiTzyMz [10:35 PM]: but i love you anyway
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:35 PM]: haha!
DiTzyMz [10:36 PM]: start with the time i hit you over the head with a bible
DiTzyMz [10:36 PM]: in church
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:36 PM]: ok...it was a dismal day in Mr. Jay's Sunday school class...
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:38 PM]: A room of 3rd and 4th graders sat in the clothes their parents had set out for them the night before, listening intently to the story about...some guy who...did something
DiTzyMz [10:39 PM]: my dress was pretty
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:40 PM]: I, Danielle Ash, sat across from my from-birth crush Teddy Okosi
DiTzyMz [10:40 PM]: at the ripe age of like...8
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:41 PM]: and next to little miss jessica lynnE
DiTzyMz [10:41 PM]: yes
DiTzyMz [10:41 PM]: with my cute dress
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:41 PM]: yes yes your cute dress
DiTzyMz [10:42 PM]: you started taunting me
DiTzyMz [10:42 PM]: by calling me Lynne, my hated middle name
DiTzyMz [10:42 PM]: being the angry child i was...i did not respond well to the abuse
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:42 PM]: "Jessica..." I say, with the intension of distracting everyone and everything "I know your middle naaame"
DiTzyMz [10:43 PM]: "No you dont..."
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:43 PM]: "Oh...but I do!"
DiTzyMz [10:43 PM]: "NO!"
DiTzyMz [10:43 PM]: we were good with the witty banter back then as well
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:43 PM]: "L..llll....llllllllll"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:43 PM]: yes we were
DiTzyMz [10:43 PM]: "shut up!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:44 PM]: "LlllYYYY..."
DiTzyMz [10:44 PM]: "we arent friends anymore!!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:44 PM]: "LYNNE!!! LYNNE LYNNE LYNNE LYNNE LYNNE!!!!!!!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:44 PM]: ::THWACK::
DiTzyMz [10:44 PM]: Mr Jay, our sunday school teacher, and danielle's father stands by, watching, taking it all in
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:44 PM]: goes the bible on my head
DiTzyMz [10:45 PM]: not stopping the inevitable result of jessica's wrath
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:45 PM]: "Danielle! Go outside!!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:45 PM]: "What?!?"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:45 PM]: "Go outside!!! Jessica you too!!!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:46 PM]: "Daddy! She hit me over the head with a BIBLE!!!"
DiTzyMz [10:46 PM]: "i am filled with Christs love!!"--and I was too, because most 8 year old homeschoolers are
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:47 PM]: and this angered me
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:47 PM]: at the time I had yet to go to Timothy Christian School
DiTzyMz [10:47 PM]: i didnt know the revenge of a matawan girl was to be feared
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:48 PM]: I attended good ol' Strathmore...I'd say 'hi' to some of my old schoolmates but right now they're probably all in jail
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:48 PM]: except jimmy
DiTzyMz [10:48 PM]: haha! omg
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:48 PM]: but thats another story...
DiTzyMz [10:48 PM]: everyone loves a good ol stalker story
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:49 PM]: Jessica and I stood in the hallway outside it the 'Sunday School Building' which is really jsut an old house where people sneak into and sleep sometimes
DiTzyMz [10:49 PM]: *cough*cough*
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:50 PM]: ::eye twitch::
DiTzyMz [10:50 PM]: ::flapping of facial skin::
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:50 PM]: ha! arrite we are officially on a tangent (tangent #1)
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:50 PM]: "This is all your fault."
DiTzyMz [10:51 PM]: "we arent friends anymore!"
DiTzyMz [10:51 PM]: (the ultimate in comebacks)
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:51 PM]: "you--you can't do that!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:51 PM]: "who are YOU going to hang out with???"
DiTzyMz [10:51 PM]: "I hit you over the head with a bible i can do anything!"
DiTzyMz [10:52 PM]: "Kristen Vanderland!"
DiTzyMz [10:52 PM]: "or Danny Abbott!"
DiTzyMz [10:52 PM]: *stomp of foot
DiTzyMz [10:52 PM]: "I'll make lauren eat you!!"
DiTzyMz [10:52 PM]: "she likes me today!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:53 PM]: "Yea well I'll hang out with lauren then when shes bored and justine and suzie aren't around and she has nothing better to do than to think shes doing me this huge favor by calling me and inviting me over!!!"
DiTzyMz [10:53 PM]: *smoothes her cute dress*
DiTzyMz [10:54 PM]: "that has nothing to do with anything because today she will eat you!!"
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:54 PM]: haha!! "not if I eat her first!!!"
DiTzyMz [10:55 PM]: arrite...so wanna go try and kiss teddy?
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:56 PM]: haha kissing teddy haha
DiTzyMz [10:56 PM]: did you ever kiss teddy?
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:56 PM]: ever REALLY kiss him no
XoHUrLeYBaByoX [10:57 PM]: not after the age of like 6

Well If that conversation's not proof I have ADD I don't know what the hell is!!!
Hope you enjoyed it! And I hope I haven't KILLED you with boredom and your parents find you with your head slumped over the keyboard typing incoherent things like:hg;paruiadkljlllllllllllyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnEEEEEEEE

And if this is the last thing you read before you die...God help you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No, I will not make out with you! we got chlorophyll guy up there talking about god knows what and all this girl wants to do is make out with me. I am here to learn everybody, not to make out with you. Proceed with the chlorophyll --Billy Madison

2004-12-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

My mom has concentrated a high amount of her energy the past week or so on getting me to clean my bathroom tub. I am trying to convey the idea to her that its pointless for me to clean the tub, because there is a clog and the water will not go down, therefore the scum will inevitably return and I will have to do it again.
Its alot like my theory on bed making. (availible in PDF format)

Mom: Have you scrubbed your shower?
Me: No theres a clog
Mom: So?
Me: It'll just get dirty again
Mom: Theres no clog
Me: What are you saying? yes there is
Mom: No.
Me: Are you in clog denial?

English Escapades

2004-12-04T02:02:00.000-08:00

Mrs Goldstien: Why does it smell like cigarettes in here? It stinks!!
*half of the class inconspicuously sniffs themselves.*
Peter: Its me!
Sid: *walks over and sniffs peter
Sid: Err...yes. Its Him
Mrs Goldstein: Why do you smoke?
Random Interrupting Kid: We made a kid stand outside in the snow last year because he smelled
::SILENCE:: **attention turns to R.I.K
*"whattt?"

ANYWAY!

Peter: Well both my parents smoke so i tried a cigarrette and it just stuck
Mrs Goldstein:Irresponsible Parennnn...*stops short
Mrs Goldstein: *seeing the class in postion...ready to write notes to her supervisor*
Mrs Goldstein: Nope! Wont say it
Peter: Too late now
Mrs Goldstein: *LOOK OF DEATH in Peters Direction**
Peter: *Terror*

*Class Exchanges Looks*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I am a golden god!

2004-12-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

"I always tell the girls never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, and if you never get hurt you always have fun."

Everyone go see almost famous...I love how i see a movie 4 years after it comes out, think of all the pop culture references I didnt understand; its all so clear to me now!

"The only real currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone when you are being uncool."

"Please don't give him any more acid."

"I hurt the flower.."

what do i get a 19 year old pregnant girl from guam?

2004-12-02T02:00:00.000-08:00

DiTzyMz B: what do i get a 19 year old pregnant girl from guam??
Hwsupafly49O: haha
Hwsupafly49O: a box of condoms
Hwsupafly49O: and a real passport
DiTzyMz B: im just goin to get her 50$ worth of diapers
Hwsupafly49O: haha
DiTzyMz B: merry christmas bi-atch!
Hwsupafly49O: but maybe she wants somethin for herself
Hwsupafly49O: get the diapers for the baby
DiTzyMz B: who are you my mom?
DiTzyMz B: thats exactly what my mom said!
Hwsupafly49O: nope

3 minutes later...
Hwsupafly49O: jessica... i... am...your... father.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."

-Seinfeld

School of Rock

2004-11-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

I have some friends who are fighting for their right to party as a chosen career path...

I realize you are not going to listen to all of them, because that would just be ridiculous, so I put a quote from the movie Bill and Teds Excellent Adveture, which i am watching right now, to describe each band...to help you in your screaning process...

rock on...

Dane Evans
www.purevolume.com/daneevans
(His best song is untitled)

All we are... is dust in the wind dude. Dust, Wind, DUDE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Embury Arms aka Eden Manifest
www.theedenmanifest.tk
1) While I believe our band will be most triumphant, the truth is *band name* will never be a super band until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
2) Yes, but I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
1) But it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
2) Yes, but how can we have decent instruments before we really know how to play?
1) That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!
2) And that is why we need a triumphant video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All Rights Reserved
www.purevolume.com/allrightsreserved

#1:Now your dad's going for it! In your own room, he he!
#2:Shut up, Ted.
#1:Your stepmom IS cute!
#2: Shut up, Ted!
#1:Remember when I asked her to the prom?
#2: SHUT UP, TED!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Sideways
www.purevolume.com/thesideways

Look, we know how you feel. We didn't believe it either when we were you, and we us said what we us are saying right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Tales
www.twotales.com
Let's reach out and touch someone.

Sweet Turkey Lovin'

2004-11-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

Jessica's LiveJournal is back and better!
Not like anyone ever read it in the first place, but at least i can add to my own personal happiness.

Who goes to the beach for thanksgiving? no one. Not only did i go to the beach, but i didnt even eat turkey.
thats right.
no turkey for me.
So my family was sitting at the table waiting for thanksgiving dinner to start...
*various conversations*
*from the other room- Grandma: "Is everyone ready to eat?"
"yes...."
*conversations continue* (my grandma walks slow)
*grandma walks in...
::SILENCE::
Uncle Scott: What....
Grandma: *with enthusiasm*Well I decided we should do something fun so i made ham and put some pineapples on it
Billy: but..but..*stammers in utter confusion*
Me: You put fruit on meat and then cooked it?
::SILENCE::
Me: why would you do that?
Great Grandma: aw crap.

So the bad news is that I had no turkey on thanksgiving.
The good news is the live journal has returned!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're in one of the richest countries in the world,but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys.
Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants.
I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books.

My Rockstar Personality

2004-11-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

::My Rockstar Personality::
Sex Symbol
You’ve joined the enviable ranks of Mick Jagger (Stones), Julian Casablancas (Strokes), Jimi Hendrix, Karen O (YYYs), James Brown, Patti Smith, Jimmy Page (Zeppelin), Jim Morrison (Doors), Tina Turner, Debbie Harry (Blondie), David Bowie and Janis Joplin. Forget about privacy and don’t expect to get too much sleep. You’re on your way to the top (although you’ll probably still find yourself on the bottom occasionally)!
::Whose Your Type::
THOSE REBELS CAN BE SO HOT!
You like to jam to a different beat...and so should "the one!" It may be hard to snag one but once you do be sure to hold onto that REBELLIOUS SKATER PUNK!

Your Personality Type is:
(Intuitive, Feeling)
As an NF, you have the following personality characterisics:
• You are enthusiastic
• You trust your intuition
• You yearn for romance and prize meaningful relationships
• You seek your true self and dream of attaining wisdom
• You pride yourself on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic
• You tend to be giving, trusting, and spiritual
• You are focused on personal journeys and human potentials
• You are an intense mate, nurturing parent and an inspirational leader

Your Core Type in the Population
People with your personality are rare, making up no more than 8 to 10 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. ...so true

Ode to Alyssa

2004-09-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

Okay soo this is really corny, but I burned a CD for alyssa for her Birthday which is today!

Pioneer Girls: Not exactly pivotal…
1. Barbie Girl –Aqua (because I couldn’t find American Girl Doll Club Girls)
…Except for the fact you met me!
I’m Addicted to You – Simple Plan

We became friends, and learned a lot…
Girls just want to have fun- Cyndi Lauper
…like that boys don’t actually have cooties
5. Hot Boyz (re-mix) –Missy Elliot
…that a granny-panty line is never attractive
6. The Thong Song

We did Drama, and all the things that came with it
7. Graduation – Vitamin C
Billy, Dane, Ian, Ernie etc..
8. Pretty Fly for a White Boy- Offspring

Had some Great Sleepovers…(i.e. flashing oncoming cars...possesed clowns..)
9. The Wild Wild West

THEN! Came the era of Dan
10. no scrubs - TLC
…And the summer
11. Hot in Here - Nelly

Then you had a slip in judgement…
11. Get mine, get yours- Christina Aguleria

Dan and Alyssa…RIP
12. The Hardest Part of Breaking up is getting back your stuff
We learned what a camel toe was…
13. Camel Toe –Fanny Pack
..and had a very fun time in Vermont
14. Milkshake song- Kelis

And Guess who is back!!
15. Jigga my Ni**a – Jay-Z
We had a small run-in with your parents…
16. Wasn’t me- Shaggy

Then came… summer at the beach house
17. Jump- Off –lil Kim
Later that summer…all kinds of things happened…*ahem
18. Roll out – Ludacris

Then Dan has an error in judgement…and you broke up
19. Bye Bye Bye- N-Sync’

..to keep up with your spending habits you got a job…
20. Bills, Bills, Bills- Destiny’s Child
And met albert while working at best buy …who bought you baby gucci
21. Hit Em Upstyle- Blu Cantrell
And so ends the timeline of Alyssa…

Happy Birthday
22. In DA Club – 50 cent

2004-08-25T04:10:00.000-07:00

2004 Presidential Election Canceled
Bush Cites National Security Concerns, Inconvenience

WASHINGTON — President Bush announced today that the 2004 presidential election will be canceled due to the war on terrorism and other scheduling conflicts.

Although the U.S. Constitution expressly mandates that presidential elections be held every four years, a little-known clause in the USA Patriot Act, which Congress hastily approved in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, gives the sitting president the option to cancel a presidential election and remain in office indefinitely if he deems it in the national interest.

In a brief statement from the Oval Office, Bush said, "A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it," adding, "My administration is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

"Upon hearing the news, Democrats on Capitol Hill promptly rolled over and capitulated.

Sen. John Kerry was unavailable for comment, as he could not be immediately resuscitated.

Experts agree that the election likely would have been only a formality anyway, with Bush currently enjoying strong public support. The latest Fox News opinion poll put Bush's job approval rating at 165 percent.

The 2004 Re-Election Security Act is the latest in a series of presidential initiatives intended to bring Americans aid and comfort during a time of unprecedented fear and uncertainty. It comes on the heels of Bush's highly touted Economic Security Act and Energy Security Act, as well as the more controversial Snack Food Security Act.

The cancellation of the election is expected to save the oil, energy, accounting, tobacco and gun industries an estimated $50 million in expenditures over the next two years. Instead, the corporations will be asked to make voluntary donations to a new pet project Bush announced today.Under the plan, known as the Mt. Rushmore Security Act, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt will be joined by new stone carvings of both George W. Bush and his father, former President George H. W. Bush. A dedication ceremony will be held on the first Tuesday of November 2004 in lieu of the presidential election.

It is not clear when, if ever, another presidential election will be held. But congressional researchers announced today that they had discovered another obscure clause in the USA Patriot Act that sheds some light on the matter.

The clause, buried in a subsection called the Bush Dynasty Security Act, states that in the event George W. Bush should ever leave office, anyone not named Jeb, Jenna or Barbara is expressly prohibited from governing the country.

Girls Who Queef

2004-08-19T02:19:00.000-07:00

This is a tribute to Gump, he's one of those kids that grown-ups have alot of meetings about- but then again im one of those kids too.
Gump is someone that we should all aspire to be like. He goes up the down escalator (literally, but also in use as a metaphor)

Gump is the guy who taught me if you mix water and rubbing alcohol together and pour it on a table, and set it up in flames, its okay because once the alcohol disolves the water puts out the fire, leaving the table unharmed, he even demonstrated using his own flesh... Im not gonna lie I found it to be quite entertaining

Elderly Man: {Upon surrendering his drivers license} But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
DMV Employee: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home, hmmmmm.
Elderly Man: Some of us would rather die.
DMV Employee: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.

*JOOB JOOB JOOB JOOB
*the ada-mada-pia
*girls queefing in 7th grade...How do you explain a queef? (Thats a whole nother post)

Teacher: Kyle, concentrate!!!
Cartman: Maybe he should be sent to a concentration camp.

HAPPY 18th birthday gump!

The Simpsons: Not Just Simple Entertainment?

2004-06-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Mr. Burns always answers the phone by saying, "Hoy Hoy!"
This is the word that Alexander Graham Bell suggested that we all say when we answer the phone. Bell resented Thomas Edison, who popularized the use of "Hello."

Sign outside Cape Canaveral says, "Cape Canaveral Formerly Cape Kennedy Formerly Cape Arbuckle"
Cape Canaveral was formerly named Cape Kennedy, and before that was named Cape Canaveral (yes, the name was changed, then changed back). But it was never named Cape Arbuckle. Fatty Arbuckle was a popular silent-movie comedian whose career was ruined after he was tried for the rape & murder of actress Virginia Rappe at a wild party. Even though he was found not guilty, he was essentially blacklisted, and his very name became disreputable. So, the writers were making fun of the Cape's name-changing by IMAGINING that it was once called Cape Arbuckle in honour of Fatty, but changed to Canaveral after the scandal. There is also an implicit comparison between Kennedy's sexual scandals and Arbuckle's.
Episode: 1F13 Deep Space Homer

In the episode when Bart makes prank calls to a bunch of places around the world in an effort to find out if water in toilets in the southern hemisphere really flush clockwise, he ends up calling some place in South America before he makes the fateful call to Australia (where he runs up the phone bill for some Aussie-bumpkin). When he does make the call, the scene shifts to a street with a fat German man wearing Lederhosen on a bicycle who gives a "Heil Hitler" salute and says "Buenos dias, mein fuhrer" to a Hitler-lookalike who is fumbling with his keys to answer his car phone, in front of the Casa Rosada, the White House of Argentina. This is a reference to the large number of Nazi's who fled post-war Germany to South America, particularly Argentina.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Skinner: We can buy REAL periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Meyer.
Krabappel: Who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium?
Martin: Ooh ... delicious?
Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept snacktacular.

Hwsupafly490: I'm better than a Cucumber.

2004-06-18T03:19:00.000-07:00

Cucumbers are better then men BECAUSE:
1. the average cucumber is 6 in. long
2. cucumbers stay hard for a week
3.cucumbers dont get TOO excited
4. a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
5. you can eat a cucumber when YOU feel like it
6. a cucumber wont ask: am i the best? how was it?
7. no matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber
8. a cucumber wont leave you for another woman
9. you always know where your cucumber has been
10. cucumbers dont leave you wondering for a month

2004-05-16T03:04:00.000-07:00

Hwsupafly49O: haha danielle ash
DiTzyMz B: thats her name lol
Hwsupafly49O: haha
Hwsupafly49O: haha
DiTzyMz B: ...
Hwsupafly49O: do u watch howard stern
Hwsupafly49O: haha
Hwsupafly49O: haha
DiTzyMz B: yes but i still dont see the hiliarity of the situation
Hwsupafly49O: do u kno who the most viewed pornstar on the internet is
Hwsupafly49O: hah
Hwsupafly49O: haha
Hwsupafly49O: danielle ashe
Hwsupafly49O: haha
Hwsupafly49O: haha
DiTzyMz B: oh grow up

DiTzyMz B: lol...
DiTzyMz B: shes gonna cry

DiTzyMz B: I can't wait to tell her

A Deep Quote

2004-05-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours.

...Thank You

l-thärjk

2004-04-24T02:03:00.000-07:00

::GEMINI::
Back off. Control your competitive nature near the 19th, or it could cause a feud with a close friend. Dive in headfirst when a dude you've been lusting after becomes available after the 25th. Ambush him in a public place when the Gemini Moon fires up your kinky side on the 20th.

...wow my gemini moon is about to fire up...that sounds pretty crazy. o but wait, the 20th past! was i kinky on the 20th? now im concerned...counting back...so that would be tuesday haha! 4/20.. See i have an excuse for my behavior! i cant be blamed for what my fired up moons do to me.!
So the 2 people who spoke with me at about 1 am tuesday morning...we will leave that in the past and not discuss it further lol.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday i wrote i was feeling lethargic...i dont actually know what it is to be lethargic, so i looked it up...
le·thar·gic (l-thärjk)adj. Of, causing, or characterized by lethargy.

**Thanks to dictionary.com for that helpful definition...its all clear to me now.
lethargy adj : deficient in alertness or activity;
"bullfrogs became lethargic with the first cold nights" okay so I was definatly NOT feeling lethargic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Noich, noich, noich, smokin' weed, smokin' weed, doing coke, drinkin' beers. Pack of wraps, my brother man. It's time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some weed! Clerks

Lipgloss = Defensive Driving

2004-04-08T02:19:00.000-07:00

Don’t you hate it when you’re riding in a car and you make eye contact with someone else in the car next to you… you just look away as fast as possible and hope they didn’t notice…you like your stalking them or something?

Maybe its just me.

The worst is when your driving and you are at a stop light, then you make eye contact with the driver next to you…except its scary because the driver next to you looks like he might just whip out a gun and shoot you in the face. (either that or its a mexican who starts making that creepy mexican face)

Again, maybe just me.

But I was adversely effected by that road-rage video’s they showed in drivers ED.
If a huge prison escapee whips out a baseball bat and starts smashing though your front windshield at a stoplight do you…

A. Tell him he’d better stop because your boyfriend knows the pressure points
B. Smile and ask him nicely to stop
C. Start crying, take the fetal position, suck your thumb and repeatedly say o fuck o fuck o fuck while rocking back and forth.

Yes folks the answer is C. So at a stoplight…I have learned it’s a great opportunity for lip-gloss application, or maybe even a little change of music